I Thought They Said “Lint”…
…And that would have been okay. Everyone gets a little lint on themselves now and again. Dryer sheets are good for that. ” Here just use a lint brush and we’ll be good to go. Maybe a touch or two with a piece of scotch tape and…”
“Ohhhh…you want to talk about LENT!”
This is a different story entirely. I understand the concept of Lent. People are supposed to give up something that they like for the duration of the Season Of Lent. It helps keep them humble and penitent for the sins that they have been committing.
“Hmmpphh! If it’s sins that interest you let’s talk about Oregon State and their…”
Well this is a most interesting development. As a fan of the Oregon Ducks I’ve always prided myself on being pretty much immune to actually doing wrong. Our overall standing in the EOE (Exuding of Excellence) League has pretty much been off the chart. Our overall record has been just above The Stanford Cardinal and just behind The College of Cardinals for this decade and last, earning us the coveted DYPRSHICLAYWS (Dang, You People Rock So Hard I Can’t Look At You Without Sunglasses) trophy 12 years running, And a handsome piece of hardware it is. Not too big. Just a modest bauble.
As the pacesetter, trendsetter, and overall rock star of the academic and sports community, though, I guess we should exhibit leadership, even in this arena. Sure, it hardly seems fair, but be a good Duck about it all, Sport. Let’s work out a list together, shall we?
1.) The Harley… Maybe we should put the bike away for awhile. Make a real commitment to taking the field in a more subdued fashion. The bike is powerful, loud, even obnoxious, to our “guests” from other universities. No doubt they would like to see us come into the field of play using an implement more fitting to our new intention of leading the league in humility, forbearance and “Hail fellow well met”. Something quiet and dignified would be in order. A parade float? Good idea, but how would we get a different one each week? Our student body is so busy gaining Fulbright Scholarships, Rhodes Scholarships, and Nobel Prizes in Literature, Science, and Peace that there isn’t enough time to put together a dignified float for a football game.
I know! Let’s take the field led by something with understated class. Something with “Sportsmanship” written all over it.
2.) The Pit Crew… Rowdy student sections have been a part of the basketball landscape forever. The Cameron Crazies get most of the ink now but Oregon’s Pit Crew has forged it’s own identity in the world of irksome fans. Maybe the Lenten season would be a good time to set that aside. After all, why should opposing teams be subjected to taunts, chants , and insults from Oregon fans. In the Spirit of Sense and Sensibility I propose a new tradition, borne of our intention of becoming a bastion of all that is good and proper in the sporting world, Guvnor. I give to you, the New Pit Crew. Follow me! I think they are rehearsing right now!
3.) The Trees of Matt Court… You know, the way other teams’ fans have complained about the unique tree arrangement of Matt Court you would think that we had built the court out of Play-Doh. ”We can’t SEEEEEEEEE!!” “It’s DisTRACTing!!” ”BlubberteeBLUB!!” are just some of the actual quotes that have been gathered from basketball fans that have come to Eugene. Apparently they haven’t noticed the huge condor-like creature that covers 75% of the floor at Kansas’ Allen Fieldhouse or the GIGANDO N that sits on the floor in Lincoln, Nebraska.
Okay, okay! This is supposed to be about what we are willing to give up in the spirit of humility, and sportsmanship. I can give up the trees…as long as they have to play with our new ball.
4.) Duck Lips… Nothing says that a Duck is in the Hizzy as well as a pair of Duck Lips. These little yellow gems have been worn by actors, actresses, sideline reporters, Lee Corso, and a weatherman in Shreveport, Louisiana who was all the way pumped about our first visit to his fair city in 1989. They have been our retort of first use against those who would quack derisively at us. It’s our way of saying, “QUACK YOURSELF, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SH……….”. Must relax…It’s the season of reconciliation. Would I give up a pair of Duck Lips for Lent? Could I, in the spirit of alms giving, send a pair of shiny yellow Duck Lips to Sally Struthers that she might make a child’s day? Yes I can! I am that big of a man! And for awhile we could replace the sound of happy quacking with something else.
5.) The Foghorn… In case anyone hasn’t noticed, though it never rains in Autzen Stadium, it often rains in the rest of the state. That Autzen is in The Gobi Vortex, and remains perfectly dry year after year has been something that scientists have been studying for over a decade. The best guess at this point is that it has something to do with a combination of climate change and Audrey Hepburn’s hat that created this oasis of dry in the midst of the rain forest.
At any rate the foghorn that blows after scores at Autzen Stadium is symbolic of the rainy climate as well as the sea-faring nature of Oregonians from time immemorial. Giving up the foghorn is tantamount to giving up Moe’s Clam Chowder, but I said that I would do this. I would be willing to give up the foghorn for Lent and replace it with,
“Nooo, get him, you say?”
7.) The Pick… To many of us October 22, 1994 ranks among the greatest days of our lives. Ask almost any Duck fan when we came of age and started our rise to the elite level of college football, and they will not only tell you it was October 22, 1994, they will call it “The Pick” and be able to tell you where they were and who’s arms they threw themselves into at the end of “The Most Improbable End to a Football Game”. Since that day, The Pick has been as emblematic of the start of a home game as The National Anthem. Kenny Wheaton has sealed his name in the archives of Duck and ought never pay for a drink in Lane County again.
Can I do this? Can I, in the spirit of humility and oneness with fans of other, less fortunate, teams do this? And how would I replace it? Certainly with something that will bring northwest fans together in oneness and unity. Something like…
8.) Mocking the Huskies and the Beavers… Are you $%#*^%$ kidding me? I can maybe Kumbaya with someone that is out of our own conference. I might…MIGHT…be able to canoodle with someone from CAL now that they have the same, um, mutual respect and admiration for Washington that I have. But to ask me to stop mocking the Huskies and our neighbors in the pasture is simply too much to ask of me. Get out of town! I mean leave whatever town you are in right now and do not return! I won’t even pretend. I can’t even imagine and I won’t.
Besides, I have already decided what I will give up for Lent. It’s something that I am attached to, that I use daily and that will cause a hardship not to have. I hereby promise that for at least 8 hours every day during the Lenten Season I will give up…