The 2012 Duckademy Awards

It’s Hollywood’s Biggest Night!  The streets are filled with elegant ladies and dashing gentlemen arriving at The Kodak Theater in Tinseltown U.S.A.  This is the night that we’ve all been waiting for.  The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will present their coveted statuettes to some of the most deserving rich people er…artistes, craftsmen, poets, and geniuses in the world.  The red carpet is out.  The kleig lights are hot.  George Clooney is here with a woman half his age.  I think we’re ready to get started.

 

 

It’s Oregon’s Biggest night!  The alleys are filled with elegant staff members from Fishduck.com arriving at Burrito Boy in Springfield.  This is the night that we’ve all been waiting for.  The Duckademy of Inanity will present their coveted poorly constructed Jenga creations to some of the most underwhelmed, er…thrilled beyond belief successes,  defectives, and unsuspecting ne’er do wells in the world.  The green carpet is out.  The little red light on my Oregon key chain is working for now.  I’m here with a woman too good for me by far.  I think we’re ready to get started.

 

 

The first Academy Award is for Original Screenplay.  The nominees include The Artist, Bridesmaids, Margin Call, and The Separation.  But the winner is…Midnight in Paris.

 

The first Duckademy Award is for original screenplay.  The nominees include Coppertone While Sunbathing Nude at Cannon Beach, Taking Down the Storm Windows for Aunt Mabel, and The Day Farmville Embedded in My Monitor.  But the winner is…

 

The next Academy Award is for best writing, adapted from a previous work.  The nominees include Hugo, The Ides of March, Moneyball, and Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy.  But the winner is…The Descendants.

 

The next Duckademy Award is for best writing adapted from a previous work.  The nominees include The Day the Earth Slowed Down a Little, Casa Bianca, and It’s a Pretty Good Life When You Stop Your Incessant Whining and Think About it You Sniveling Piece of Compost.  But the winner is…

The next Academy Award is for Best Actor in a Supporting Role.  The nominees include Kenneth Branagh, Jonah Hill, Nick Nolte, and Max Von Sydow, but the winner is Christopher Plummer for The Beginners.

 

The next Duckademy Award is for Best Actor in a Supporting Role.  The nominees include Nike for Innovations in Jockstrap, Victoria’s Secret for The Wonder Bra, and Dr. Schools for Flat Feet May Be Sexy to You.  But the winner is…

 

The next Academy Award is for Best Actress.  The nominees include Glenn Close, Viola Davis, Rooney Mara, and Michelle Williams.  But the winner is Meryl Streep for The Iron Lady

 

The next Duckademy award is for Best Actress.  The nominees include Amanda Pflugrad for Anything…Ever.  Kaitlyn Olsen for It’s Always Sunny at Autzen Stadium, and Erin Andrews for A Chip Off the Old Block.  But the winner is Cal defensive lineman Arron Tapoti…

 

The next Academy Award is for Best Actor.  The nominees include Demien Bechir, George Clooney, Gary Oldman, and Brad Pitt.  But the winner is Jean Dujardin for The Artist

 

The next Duckademy Award is for Best Actor.  The nominees include John Belushi for Animal House, Bruce Dern for Drive, He Said, and Charles Fischer for The Life and Times of Hugh Hefner.  But the winner is…

 

The final Academy Award of the evening is for Best Picture.  The nominees include The Descendants, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, The Help, Hugo, Midnight in Paris, Moneyball, The Tree of Life, and War Horse.  But The Winner is The Artist.

 

The final Duckademy Award of the evening is for Best Picture.  The crowd at Burrito Boy is hushed as this is the most competitive category of the evening.  A lot of people have been considered for this most prestigious of awards.  Even the Burrito Boy Chef De Cuisine “Ray” has interrupted his mastery of the grill for this moment in time.  The presenter of this award is an acclaimed actor in his own right.

 

The nominees include such luminous productions as It Happened One Night. A Farewell to Arms, Citizen Kane, Rear Window, and Porky’s Revenge.  The crowd is ready, the envelope delivered to the stage.  “The Winner of the 2012 Duckademy Award for Best Picture is………

 

Print Friendly
Powered by
Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings is a 1984 graduate of Northwest Christian College. He cut his journalistic teeth as sports editor of a paper in his home town of Fortuna, CA, and, later as a columnist for the Longview Daily News in Longview, WA.He saw his first Oregon game in 1977 and never missed a home game from 1981 until a bout with pneumonia cut his streak short in 1997. He was one of the proud 3200 on a bitterly cold night in Shreveport, Louisiana in 1989 for the Independence Bowl, and continues to be big supporter of Oregon sports. He is an active participant on the various Oregon Ducks messageboards as "TacomaDuck."