There I was, sitting at home reading the Good Book or setting the leg bone of a stray puppy, I don’t remember which, when there was a knock on the door. I answered it and the meanest man in the world was looking at me. I knew instantly it was one of a couple of my readers. I quickly took a picture of him.
But before I could promise to stop writing for Fishduck he gut shot me with a .44 Magnum. I collapsed to the floor, where he kicked me in the head and said, “See if THAT is better than sex you talentless piece of…”
Nah, nothing that exciting happened to me. But I am writing this from the hospital. My doctor says that I need to eat better and exercise if I want to live a long and prosperous life. I asked how long I can live if I don’t change my ways. He said, “You might make kickoff of the Husky game.”
Spending a night in this really sexy hospital gown does make me think about my own mortality. What have been the highlights of my life up to this point? What do I still want to see happen?
The top highlight of my life was witnessing the birth of my son. Period. Nothing else came close.
The top thing that I would still like to see happen is for our Ducks to come home with the shiny transparent football on a big pedestal made by the finest Sears employees from Honduras. For awhile I didn’t think I would live to see a Rose Bowl win, after all it only took 95 years. The number of Pepsi’s that I drank during that game almost assured that I wouldn’t live to see its end, I think I was awake for 27 hours after that game. Downing 21 nervous-time colas will do that to you.
In the top-10 moments of my life is the Kenny Wheaton pick. I didn’t allow anyone to grab me or hug me until the play was completely over. Then I turned around and collapsed in the arms of a dozen people, six of whom were total strangers. I’ve never met Kenny Wheaton. It’s probably a good thing. If I were to meet him I would probably burst into tears and kiss him full on the mouth, both of which would be pretty embarrassing.
The nurse is here to give me a full body sponge bath…(“What?…oh you just want to take my temperature? I’m sure it’s normal but how about a spo…Miss? Miss?”) so I must finish up. I’ll just tell you one more goal.
I want to beat the Huskies enough times in a row so that no living person remembers them beating us. I am not kidding.
Go Ducks! Bruise Butch! Then it will be Husky week! The most important week of your year!