Call me old school. Call me a hater. Call me elitist. It’s probably all true. Two things drive me crazy when I listen to sports on TV or the radio – persons who are inarticulate, and hearing the same stupid clichés over … and over … and over … and over …
“He ran for a buck seventy.“
When was the last time you used a dollar? Do you realize how worthless a dollar is? Now let’s do some math – what’s an additional 70% of worthless? That’s right … WORTHLESS!! Do we really need to be so mathematically impaired as to arbitrarily screw with decimal points for no reason? What is it about running 1.70 that I’m supposed to be impressed with? I like 170 yards just fine. If you’re going to screw with decimals, make it 17,000. Yeah, he ran for 17,000 yards. It’s just as accurate and I like that a helluva lot better.
“And the Duck defense pitched a shutout.”
What what what? I have an idea – how about if we don’t mix sports terms? If I want to hear baseball terminology I’ll listen to a baseball game! I don’t do that because listening to baseball is boring, and only exceeded in boredom by listening to golf. In fact, it’s so boring that I’m going to take a nap now. That’s the price I pay for even talking about this.
“They’re going to pin their ears back.”
Really? With what are they going to pin their ears back, a stapler? Power staple their ears to the side of their head? Sounds pleasant. No, I get this. You’re going to equate college football players with dogs. You’re going to say these young lads – I’m sorry, DOGS – need to pin their ears back. Ugh. No thanks. The only time this phrase will be allowed is when you’re talking about the Fuskies. Pin their ears back all you want – even with staples. Be my guest. Don’t use it anytime else.
“It never rains in Autzen stadium.”
Horse hockey. I’m here to tell you that it DOES rain in Autzen stadium, and listening to this drivel is like hearing nails on the chalkboard. Let me tell you about rain. I had to endure the game with Washington in 1996. This was the only game I ever took my dad to. It rained all game. We lost to the Fuskies. It was beyond miserable. Don’t EVEN tell me it never rains in Autzen Stadium when I have to endure a rain-soaked loss to the hated Fuskies. IT RAINS!!! Deal with it. Just don’t say it never rains in Autzen stadium.
“They lost 47-26 for a 21 point differential.”
It’s not a differential, it’s a DIFFERENCE. What is it about sports people being so freaking mathematically challenged?? There’s no ratio involved, so there’s no differential. DIFFERENCE. I had someone who was on a board say something much like this, and called it a differential. I said it’s a difference. He said no, Google it. GOOGLE IT?? You have to be kidding me, opinion on a google search is where you’re going to research basic mathematics? Really??
This guy was a CPA. Figures.
“At the end of the day.“
Okay, Mr. Time Bandit, are we talking the end of your day or the end of mine? Significant events are to be evaluated on their own merit, not at your intellectually inert “end of the day.” I’m willing to bet that I’m still going for hours and hours at your self-significant “end of the day.” Get over it, and yourself. At the end of the day, you’re just spouting another stupid cliché.
“Win The Day“
Excuse me, this is not a cliché. It is the sacred ground upon which we decimate your team and expose the weakness of your ego. This is not a cliché. This is a religion; the God’s-honest truth. And if you’re an atheist, I can provide empirical data supporting the claim that WTD is a proven formula that has turned an out-of-the-way Northwestern school football program into a national power. No cliché to see here, folks … move along, move along …