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The Tax Man Can Biteth Me

The Tax Man Can Biteth Me

Kim Hastings
Reported by Kim Hastings on February 16, 2013
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| 3 Comments

I just finished my yearly wrangling of the tax code through my friends at Turbo Tax.  Though TT is quite good at finding the more obvious deductions, I had to coax it along to find actual tax breaks that are a little more…obscure.

 

Posing Oil: (Tax Code Summary 2004-117)  As you can probably tell from my profile picture, I’m cut as hell.  If I “Kaepernicked” it would break the neighbor’s neighbor’s windows.  I was glad to find out that when I oil up the juice that makes me shimmer is tax deductible.

Picture of me at a casual gathering

 

Expenses of Whaling Captains:  Publication 526 (2012).  This one comes in handy when I take to the Willamette on a whaling expedition.  While I’ve never actually seen a whale in the waters near the footbridge, I stay on the lookout.

Future site of the University of Oregon Whaling Hall of Fame

 

I have had my battles, though, with the humorless folks at Internal Revenue.  Some of the loopholes that I tried to use include:

Prescription Xanax for the Chip Kelly Employment Watch:  Heart palpitations, sweaty palms, high blood pressure, shortness of breath, anal fissures, swollen spleen, growth of cranial watermelon, burning urination, and hallucinations involving monkeys gardening in my yard.  I’ve had them all.  My doctor said that it was the annual Chip Watch.  But could I get tax relief from the medication?  Not a chance.

Me, from the end of the Fiesta Bowl through the hiring of Chip by Philadelphia

 

Biofeedback for Hysteria Disorder:  “The difference between the two teams is not as great as the score would indicate.”  “We’re back.”  “We are young.”  This kind of stuff would make the Sphinx lean back and giggle.  Will the IRS let me deduct the cost of treatment?  Can U-Dub get rid of that funny smell at Husky Stadium?

Did you hear the one about the off-season national championship?

 

May your tax burden be light, your deductions many, and the wind from the blowhards from Seattle fill the sails on your own whaling vessel.

 

About Author
Kim Hastings

Kim HastingsKim Hastings is a 1984 graduate of Northwest Christian College. He cut his journalistic teeth as sports editor of a paper in his home town of Fortuna, CA, and, later as a columnist for the Longview Daily News in Longview, WA.He saw his first Oregon game in 1977 and never missed a home game from 1981 until a bout with pneumonia cut his streak short in 1997. He was one of the proud 3200 on a bitterly cold night in Shreveport, Louisiana in 1989 for the Independence Bowl, and continues to be big supporter of Oregon sports. He is an active participant on the various Oregon Ducks messageboards as "TacomaDuck."View all posts by Kim Hastings →


 

 

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  • ICamel

    Kim:
    Your weekly musings are “must not miss” readings. Keep up the great humor!