Auburn is Just the Tip of the Iceberg

The story is just now coming to full light, but according to Sports Illustrated, in 2010 Auburn coaches were only interrupted in giving hundreds of dollars to their players by the need to get busy changing their grades to keep them eligible.  Gene Chizik apparently DID NOT appreciate having to call first half timeouts so that his players could run to the ATM and deposit the money that was in their pants.

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“I sometimes forget. You’re a linebacker so you get 50 grand, right?”

 

If all of this is true (and its written down somewhere so it must be, right?  Duck fans know about that.), then having their national title stripped from them might be the least of Auburn’s concerns.  The National Championship will be vacated rather than given to us, but at least we will be able to rest in the knowledge that, without shenanigans, we probably would have won the Natty that season.

The crack staff of FishDuck International Ltd. (A wholly owned subsidiary of In-and-Out Burgers) has uncovered much more in the way of extinguishing earlier losses.

 

November 7, 2009:  Stanford 51, Oregon 42:  Our staff has discovered a little known rule that prohibits a player from having more hair on his neck than on his chin.  Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck reportedly told NCAA officials that he played that night with a llama under his jersey for warmth.  The investigators were unmoved.

 

Luck committing a fur foul during the 2009 game v. Oregon

 

November 19, 2011:  USC 38, Oregon 35:  This game result has been disallowed because it has been uncovered that there were players on the USC team whose parents WERE NOT living rent-free in luxury condominiums.  USC athletic director and boyishly innocent looking former quarterback Pat Haden said, “We are really embarrassed by this.  Becoming a Trojan is supposed to be an investment that will pay off almost immediately.”  Haden immediately started a 501c3 non-profit under the name “Parents Without Benzes” to help deal with this oversight.

 

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“I offer only my contrition…and a lease-free Bentley.”

 

The NCAA apologizes that so many of these violations have gone unnoticed for several years.  They promise that the offenders will be punished and an investigation is currently underway to ascertain how a Tyrone Willingham team ever beat Oregon in 2001.

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Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings is a 1984 graduate of Northwest Christian College. He cut his journalistic teeth as sports editor of a paper in his home town of Fortuna, CA, and, later as a columnist for the Longview Daily News in Longview, WA. He saw his first Oregon game in 1977 and never missed a home game from 1981 until a bout with pneumonia cut his streak short in 1997. He was one of the proud 3200 on a bitterly cold night in Shreveport, Louisiana in 1989 for the Independence Bowl, and continues to be big supporter of Oregon sports. He is an active participant on the various Oregon Ducks messageboards as "TacomaDuck."

  • Sticky Wickets

    That will have to be one hell of an investigation, as Oregon did not play Washington in 2001.

    • Kim

      Willingham coached the Stanford team that beat Oregon in the ’01 game. Thanks for reading, Sticky.

  • rcs410

    Nathan has got to write a story on his take after Selena Roberts’ story went viral. Very interested to hear what he has to say.

    • Nathan

      It’s coming Friday.