“The Weiner Condition”

Side effect of "The Weiner Condition"; severe creepiness.

Side effect of “The Weiner Condition”; severe creepiness.

Folks, this past week saw the resurgence of an old time ailment. A dangerous condition which, doctors and researchers both agree, causes people to behave in a completely unprofessional, embarrassing, dimwitted manner. At its crux, this ailment slowly targets one’s central reputation system, essentially eroding it away to a terminal state. Its called “The Weiner Condition.” An affliction made famous by, and named for, former U.S. Congressman and current candidate for Mayor of New York City, Anthony Weiner. As we all know in 2011 he sent photos of his… lets just say nether regions to several young women. Although, like a leper undergoing fierce public scrutiny and rejection, and later even claiming to be cured, it seems Anthony has been unable to shake off his namesake “Condition” as new explicit photos and texts have emerged. Anthony Weiner is the epitome of an individual whose reputation is now irremediable due to the terminal effects of “The Weiner Condition”.

Anthony Weiner. AKA, Mr.Suave

From Video

Anthony Weiner.  AKA, Mr. Suave

But folks, we have more important people to worry about than those running our cities and nation. It’s reported that this epidemic has not only infiltrated the dark chambers and nether regions of congress, but also the ranks of college athletics. From simple player to athletic director, subsequently embarrassing the very idea of sport. That’s why today I’m committed to diagnosing two of the most recent cases in detail to see if they too are suffering from  ”The Weiner Condition”.

Lets start with USC’s football team which has experienced all kinds of public embarrassments. From providing illegal benefits to star players, to recruiting 7th graders and sharing a name synonymous with a certain contraceptive (which incidentally causes those same 7th graders to giggle), the Trojans certainly display the telltale signs of “The Weiner Condition”. Unfortunately for Trojan fans the ailment has gotten progressively worse over the last three years with the acquisition of head football coach Lane Kiffin.

Lane Kiffin during USC football practice.

From Video

Lane Kiffin during USC football practice.

I mean, you’d think the fact that the Oakland Raiders got sick of him after only a year, and given his performance at Tennessee (where he signed a convicted rapist), those things would have sent off some warning bells in Los Angeles. But alas, USC decided to trust their old buddy. Kiffin did lead them to at least one promising 10-2 season in 2011… which really only set them up for the triumphantly disappointing and embarrassing season that followed. Entering last year as a pre-season #1, Kiffin and his gang suffered through a fall from grace that included heartbreaking losses, cheating scandals and quarterback dramas which all led to an unranked 7-6 finish. Yikes! But this past week, things got even worse as USC’s athletic director Pat Haden announced in an online video that Kiffin is in no way on “the hot seat”, claiming instead that he is “behind Kiffin 100 percent.” So in other words, USC decided to “look the other way” and continue paying their head coach a $4 million salary, making it perhaps one of the most baffling contracts in sports. Especially given that Kiffin has provided nothing for the Trojans other than scandal, embarrassment, drama and heartbreak.

He's a great coach.

Mathew Topolewski

He’s a great coach.

My Diagnosis: USC exhibits a progressive and very well embedded case of “The Weiner Condition”, or T.W.C., of which it fails to recognize, and is therefore surely at a terminal state.

But folks, this next case is even more serious due to its shocking and very under-the-radar characteristics. This one involves the football coaching staff at the University of Arizona. Now, typically we don’t hear too many embarrassing things about Wildcat Country compared to the USCs of the world… I guess other than some mid-season coaching drama and getting shut out by Oregon 49-0. In an attempt to get Wildcat fans pumped for this coming season, Arizona head coach Rich Rodriguez; the same man who told KTAR radio in Phoenix that he signed his contract without even visiting Arizona’s campus (nice); and his coaching staff headlined a spirited video produced by his wife, Rita. Here it is;

Great video. Compelling and rich. Perhaps my favorite moment of the video, although there are just oh so many, would have to be the title slate that inspirationally reads, “To continue changing the game.” The “game” of course being that of football which the University of Arizona is unquestionably altering. I mean look no further than this video as proof. You see, some try to impact football by changing the speed or pace of the game. Others implement crazy new plays, and still others introduce all new equipment and style to the game. But Arizona likes to think outside the box. Instead of showing off stonewall defense, speedy offense, precision passing or for that matter, active movement of any kind, it seems Arizona introduces a version of the game that involves lounging in a mid-1800’s saloon, smoking cigars and drinking whiskey. Where the play cards win you a drunken grievance, and the only diving going on will be arbitrarily across a bar. A game that, in fact, completely dismisses the very usage or even presence of a football. Great job Arizona, truly revolutionary. You guys really are a bunch of outlaws.

My Diagnosis: Are you kidding me? This is an act that no one can be proud of. If I were a student or alumni of Arizona I would have to shake my head and ask, “Really guys?”. This is a textbook case and severe instance of “The Weiner Condition”, yet one that could potentially be cured if treated immediately.

Man, after such a study and diagnoses, I have to say I’m proud to be a Duck. Where we always test negative for anything resembling the “The Weiner Condition” but consistently positive for “Utter Bad-Ass Syndrome”.

Featured Image at top of article: From video.

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Mathew Topolewski

Mathew Topolewski

Mathew recently graduated from the University of Oregon with a major in both English and Cinema Studies. Growing up he played Hockey his entire life, and was able to reach the Junior A level of play his Freshmen year of college. He therefore not only has an intense passion for sports, but has a unique understanding and appreciation for all athletes.