UCLA Brings Knowledgeable Fan Base — and Decidedly Average Team — to Autzen

UCLA Bruins


Everything that I tell you folks is true.  Some things may be a little truer than others.  The conversation that I am about to share with you is, I swear, the gospel truth.  It was Monday morning about 8:45 am.  I was talking to a UCLA fan about the upcoming game.  He said,

“You guys wouldn’t be any good at all if you weren’t owned by Ted Knight.”

That's right smart fella'.  Judge Smalls (dead since 1996) "owns" the Ducks.


That’s right smart fella’.  Judge Smalls (dead since 1996) “owns” the Ducks.

This is what passes for witty and insightful conversation with these folks.  But they can’t be blamed.  Their head coach, the affable Jim Mora Jr.,  has been thrown out of more jobs than Peter Griffin.  Mora the Younger was head coach for the Atlanta Falcons when he told Softy Mahler that he would leave the Falcons in the middle of a playoff run if he got a chance to coach U-TeninaRow.  The Seahawks, because they have as little self-respect as anyone, hired Mora to be their head coach and “the future of the franchise.”  The future turned out to be one very forgettable year.  Now, Little Mora is at UCLA.  But for how long?  Obviously I don’t know for sure but I’m investing heavily in . . .

"Reservation for James More Jr.?  Yes, its me again."


“Reservation for James Mora Jr.?  Yes, its me again.”

Actually I have a lot of respect for UCLA.  Remember those Lew Alcindor and Bill Walton teams?  Remember that they were getting $1000 handshakes from Sam Gilbert before it was fashionable to do so?  Oh . . . you mean football.  Yeah, remember —

Karl Dorrell

How is it that I work in Hollywood and nobody knows me?


How is it that I work in Hollywood and nobody knows me?

UCLA will tell you that they have a sterling football tradition.  Of course, Duke will tell you the same thing and be lying just as much.  There are actually only two seasons in Westwood.  Beach and hoops.

Girl not running toward the Rose Bowl...just like the Bruins


Girl not running toward the Rose Bowl . . . just like the Bruins.

But that’s okay!  That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.  In Eugene, we play football.  It’s speed, power and precision.  At UCLA, they play the zither and contemplate the meaning of Zen.

Can you hear my lovely tune, Jimmy?  Where the hell is Jimmy?  Did he move away?


Can you hear my lovely tune, Jimmy?  Where the hell is Jimmy?  Did he move away?

But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t some interesting facts about UCLA, other than “fewer murders per semester than at ‘SC.”  There are.  Here are a couple:

1.  Head Coach Tommy Prothro Always Carried a Briefcase With Him on the Sidelines.  No One Knew What Was in It . . . Until Now.

Hello Tommy.  Where would you like to coach?


Hello Tommy. Where would you like to coach?

2.  UCLA is Known for it’s “Undie Run” When Underclassmen Run Around in their Skivvies During Finals Week

This is the part of the column where you write your own joke.


This is the part of the column where you write your own joke.

There are more interesting things about UCLA, but I think I’ll quit with his behind.  Go Ducks.  Maul the Mediocre.

Print Friendly

 Volunteer Position Openings:

--Media Management/Supervisor:  We are looking for someone beyond college age who can help manage students and mentor in a number of different departments. Expertise is not required as organizational skills and interest in guiding others.   --Assistant Football Analyst: Love college football and enjoy watching it for hours? We need associates to view games and find the techniques/teaching points we identify for them in advance.  You will be recognized in publications, and could have the opportunity to move to full Analyst.   --College Football Analyst: We are looking for Coaches, or retired coaches to help create analysis videos (we do the video part) that will be viewed by thousands, and will help young football players as well as fans understand the game much better. The national recognition will help your resume' as well as make an impact upon the game we all dearly love.   --Video Specialist: We are looking for help in the Eugene/Springfield area to assist with the shooting and editing of analysis videos.   All Positions: Send a resume' with full contact information and any writing samples you have to charles@fishduck.com  Again, these are volunteer positions donating five hours a week each.

Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings is a 1984 graduate of Northwest Christian College. He cut his journalistic teeth as sports editor of a paper in his home town of Fortuna, CA, and, later as a columnist for the Longview Daily News in Longview, WA. He saw his first Oregon game in 1977 and never missed a home game from 1981 until a bout with pneumonia cut his streak short in 1997. He was one of the proud 3200 on a bitterly cold night in Shreveport, Louisiana in 1989 for the Independence Bowl, and continues to be big supporter of Oregon sports. He is an active participant on the various Oregon Ducks messageboards as "TacomaDuck."