There Oughta be a Law . . . and in Utah There is One


Good day friends.  On this, the week after the world ended, I would like to report that I, for one, handled losing to Stanford and living surrounded by Husky fans, very well.  My attorney believes we may even be able to plea down to simple assault.

One Husky fan that won't say, "Tough game against Stanford, huh?" again.

One Husky fan that won’t say, “Tough game against Stanford, huh?” again.

But carry on we must.  There’s another game this week, which means another chance to learn a few fun facts about a place very . . . different from our own.  First of all, a little historical background information is in order.  The State of Utah is the 11th largest in the United States, in terms of land mass.  Utah comes from the Paiute Indian word meaning, “Joe Pesci.”

Utah is known for being largely populated by members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and for containing the Great Salt Lake.  These two facts coalesced in the mid-19th century when Brigham Young led followers on a settlement pilgrimage that was intended to end at the Pacific Ocean.  However, Young arrived at the shores of the Great Salt Lake and said, “Leave us hunker down here where the water has a palpable stench.”

Yea verily.

"Mr. Young, it's about that noxious lake..."

“Mr. Young, it’s about that noxious lake . . .”

The people of Utah are a hard-working and God-fearing people who are also known to be people of the law.  So much so that they have a few laws that are a bit out of the norm.  The following are actual laws still on the books in the great state of Utah:

1.  It is Considered a Misdemeanor Offense to Hunt Whales:  Since Utah is more than a thousand miles from the nearest ocean, infractions of this type are quite rare.

If you can see an ocean from here you have REALLY good eyes

If you can see an ocean from here, you have REALLY good eyes.

2.  It is a Felony to Tread on the Cracks Between Paving Stones on the Sidewalk.  This will ease the mind of your mother, who’s healthy back is in constant jeopardy from thoughtless offspring.

"Ground me when I was 12, did you Mom?"

“Ground me when I was 12, did you Mom?”

3.  In Logan, Utah, it is Unlawful for Women to Swear:  Good law.  Very enforceable . . . if this was 1883.

Not a Logan, Utah woman on the phone with the cable company

Felonious Logan, Utah, woman on her phone with the cable company.

4.  In Monroe, Utah, Daylight Must be Visible Between Partners on a Dance Floor:  Given that Utah has the largest number of children per household in the United States, this law is probably not being strictly enforced.

This year's "Spring Fling" in Monroe.

This year’s “Spring Fling” in Monroe.

5.  Finally, in the State of Utah it is Illegal to Create a Catastrophe:  I would suggest that Ute fans avert their eyes come Saturday.  There’s an angry flock of Ducks looking to catastrophe ALL OVER YOUR BUSINESS!  Likely it will make your menfolk cringe, and your womenfolk cuss.  Heaven help you.

Go Ducks!

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Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings is a 1984 graduate of Northwest Christian College. He cut his journalistic teeth as sports editor of a paper in his home town of Fortuna, CA, and, later as a columnist for the Longview Daily News in Longview, WA. He saw his first Oregon game in 1977 and never missed a home game from 1981 until a bout with pneumonia cut his streak short in 1997. He was one of the proud 3200 on a bitterly cold night in Shreveport, Louisiana in 1989 for the Independence Bowl, and continues to be big supporter of Oregon sports. He is an active participant on the various Oregon Ducks messageboards as "TacomaDuck."

  • gone

    I can only speak for myself, but as a Duck fan, I apologize
    to my friends in UT for this article. You were well represented Sat., both by
    the traveling fans and team. I love reading and learning about my Ducks but
    thanks to this article I won’t be back.

    • FishDuck

      Then you must not have been here for long; we have been doing spoof-humor articles for the entire two year existence of and will continue to. You gotta lighten up and have some fun.

    • Duckitect Duckitect

      Sorry if this article offended you Mr. Gone! If it did, I think it is safe to say that you are no fun at a party ! There are many funny things about both Oregon and Utah !