Nick Saban Needs a Swift Boot in the Rear

The College of Cardinals, er, the NCAA wasted valuable time this week, time that would have been better served making compliance more arcane and difficult.  Brought before this august body was the suggestion that college football offenses should be prohibited from running plays within the first 10 seconds of the play clock.  The thought, from Nick Saban’s mouth to God’s ear (allegedly) was conceived as a “safety measure.”  Luckily, cooler heads prevailed (so far) and the rule was tabled for at least a year.

But the fact that the suggestion found the light of day got me to thinking:  What if Saban’s idea took hold in areas other than college football?  What if, God forbid, Nick Saban was King of the World?

Emperor Nick the Obdurate

King Nick the Obdurate

Some of the new rules would make life easier for those of us that travel to games and get there faster than our Progressive Snapshot devices indicate that we should.  In the name, (as always) of safety, new police cars will be issued to law enforcement.  Much safer for the rest of traffic.

New Oregon State Cop Ride

New Oregon State Cop Ride

But most of Saban’s new rules would change life as we know it.  Moms and dads would have to take more time making their children tasty treats.

Slaving for hours over the pistachio pudding.  Just like Grandma

Slaving for hours over the pistachio pudding, just like Grandma.

Musicians would have to change their names.

Somehow it wouldn't seem the same


Somehow it wouldn’t seem the same

Fast food would of course be a thing of the past.  McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s and Jack in the Box would have to find new ways of preparing food.

"Your value meal will be up in 6-8 hours."

“Your value meal will be up in 6-8 hours.”

All in all, it’s a good thing that college football’s governing body turned down this particular temper tantrum brought to bear by Little Nicky.  We like Oregon football played just the way it is.

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Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings is a 1984 graduate of Northwest Christian College. He cut his journalistic teeth as sports editor of a paper in his home town of Fortuna, CA, and, later as a columnist for the Longview Daily News in Longview, WA. He saw his first Oregon game in 1977 and never missed a home game from 1981 until a bout with pneumonia cut his streak short in 1997. He was one of the proud 3200 on a bitterly cold night in Shreveport, Louisiana in 1989 for the Independence Bowl, and continues to be big supporter of Oregon sports. He is an active participant on the various Oregon Ducks messageboards as "TacomaDuck."

  • Big Al

    You probably graduated from Aubarn you damn Hater… Roll Tide

    • Mike Merrell, FishDuck editor

      But roll sloooooowly, of course.