Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch the World Cup

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Biggest sporting event in the world! Dwarfing the Super Bowl and the NCAA Tournament combined! More than one $Billion wagered worldwide! Watched in more than 800 million homes worldwide in 356 countries in three galaxies! Sport with the most openly phallic trophy in the history of the world!

More than vaguely disturbing if you ask me

www.rainforestcruises.com

More than vaguely disturbing, if you ask me.

Just stop! At the risk of having the comment box overloaded with negative flak.

In three part harmony

en.wikipedia.org

The epitomical song about the World Cup.

There are a lot of things going on in the sports world that I do care about right now. Baseball, the NBA Finals, Lawn Darts, Competitive Banana Smoking, Armpit Hair Braiding. All of these can hold my attention more than “Futbol.”

Recent nose picking injury during MLS play

commons.wikimedia.org

Recent nose picking injury during MLS play.

In fact, I have compiled a partial list events that are going on around the Pac-12 that might catch your eye and hold your attention during the interminable tourney going on in Brazil.

1. Beaver Goosing: Up in Corvallis, they are participating in their annual mascot-bonding experience. Beaver fans sneak up behind the little critters and …

Well...you know

openclipart.com

… well … you know.

2.  Body Type Appreciation Seminar: Up in Pullman, the Cougars are holding a seminar called “I’m OK, You’re Kind of OK, But You’re Still Pretty Fat.” Mike Leach keynotes.

3.  The 50th Annual Mascot Validation Event: The USC provost and Board of Trustees explain to their fans, one more time, that they had nothing but the noblest intentions when they named their team after a prophylactic.

Really folks.  We just didn't think

wearyourbeer.com

“Really folks. We just didn’t think.” Tommy Trojan

4.  The Inagural “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” Event: Here in Eugene, we are going to our happy place. Though I don’t know why we need one. Here is our football schedule for last year.

1  Aug 31, 2013  (3) Oregon v Nicholls State  W 66-3

2  Sep 7, 2013  (2) Oregon @ Virginia  W 59-10

3  Sep 14, 2013  (2) Oregon v Tennessee  W 59-14

4  Sep 28, 2013  (2) Oregon v California  W 55-16

5  Oct 5, 2013  (2) Oregon @ Colorado  W 57-16

6  Oct 12, 2013  (2) Oregon @ Washington  W 45-24

7  Oct 19, 2013  (2) Oregon v WSU  W 62-38

8  Oct 26, 2013  (2) Oregon v UCLA  W 42-14

9  Nov 7, 2013                     Bye

10 Nov 16, 2013  (6) Oregon v Utah  W 44-21

11  Nov 23, 2013                   Bye

12 Nov 29, 2013  (12) Oregon v Oregon State  W 36-35

13 Dec 30, 2013 (10) Oregon @ Texas  W 30-7

 

Perfect. Just like we expected. Go Ducks of All Sizes, Shapes, Creeds, Colors, and Nations of Origin.

Top image by Pixabay.com

 

 

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Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings is a 1984 graduate of Northwest Christian College. He cut his journalistic teeth as sports editor of a paper in his home town of Fortuna, CA, and, later as a columnist for the Longview Daily News in Longview, WA.He saw his first Oregon game in 1977 and never missed a home game from 1981 until a bout with pneumonia cut his streak short in 1997. He was one of the proud 3200 on a bitterly cold night in Shreveport, Louisiana in 1989 for the Independence Bowl, and continues to be big supporter of Oregon sports. He is an active participant on the various Oregon Ducks messageboards as "TacomaDuck."