FishDuck Reads the Declaration of Independence


A group of  rich white men banded together because they didn’t want to pay taxes. No, not just recently. I’m talking about 238 years ago at the time of the American Revolution. The end result of that decision — which, if you’ve ever walked the Freedom Trail in Boston you know, was mostly arrived at in taverns —

"Dewey from Delaware is asleep.  Let's count that as an aye vote

“Dewey from Delaware is asleep. Let’s count that as an aye vote.”

was the beginning of this great experiment in representative democracy that we know as the United States of America. Certainly not every decision the country decided upon was a good one.

The Star Spangled Banner is decidedly hard to sing on key.

The Star Spangled Banner is decidedly hard to sing on key.

But for the most part (There aren’t any Native Americans around are there?) the country has soldiered on in a manner more right than wrong. One of the reasons for our relative success as a country is because of some of the documents that were penned at the very beginning. Among these were the Declaration of Independence. had its annual summer gathering in Tahoe last week. Over lobster thermador we decided that Thomas Jefferson’s signature document could be adapted to college sports.

1.  We Hold These Truths to Be Self-Evident:  This would be things about which no one could honestly argue. On message boards we often start pure opinion with “it goes without saying.” That’s what Jefferson was doing here. College sports examples would be “Eugene is a more attractive city than Tucson,” or “Washington’s Tyee Club is Dante’s Seventh Circle of Hell.”

"It goes without saying ..."

“It goes without saying …”

2. That All Men are Created Equal:  T.J. wasn’t afraid to bend the truth just a little was he? “Oh Sally? She’s my … nanny. That’s the ticket.” All men are NOT created equal. Some are faster, stronger, and decidedly better looking than others.

Look at my picture above, then look at this picture.  The two are not equal

Look at my picture above, then look at this picture. The two are not equal.

3. That They are Endowed by their Creator with Certain Inalienable Rights, that Among These are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness:  I … guess. As long as by ‘pursuit’ you realize that some things will just never be.

For example, this pass

For example, this pass.

4. That to Secure These Rights, Governments are Instituted Among Men:  

"Gentlemen a motion is on the table to cede Corvallis to Idaho.  All in favor or should I record the vote as one by acclimation?"

“Gentlemen a motion is on the table to trade Corvallis to Idaho for a plate of cold mashed potatoes. All in favor or should I record the vote as one by acclamation?”

God Bless America, and especially, the Ducks of the University of Oregon and All Who Love Her.

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Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings is a 1984 graduate of Northwest Christian College. He cut his journalistic teeth as sports editor of a paper in his home town of Fortuna, CA, and, later as a columnist for the Longview Daily News in Longview, WA.He saw his first Oregon game in 1977 and never missed a home game from 1981 until a bout with pneumonia cut his streak short in 1997. He was one of the proud 3200 on a bitterly cold night in Shreveport, Louisiana in 1989 for the Independence Bowl, and continues to be big supporter of Oregon sports. He is an active participant on the various Oregon Ducks messageboards as "TacomaDuck."

  • TallyLassie

    God Bless America! Amen:)