They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. That’s why FishDuck.com was so pleased when ESPN scheduled the ESPYs during the same week as our more prestigious award show. FishDuck.com’s crack staff and stable of high quality production assistants …
… looked through the last year of sports highlights to find the best and the brightest.
Then we remembered who we are and threw those away.
Instead we came up with the most ridiculous stories in sports over the past 12 months. Stories to make you wonder why sporting prowess seems not to be compatible with the sense to pour … liquid … out of a boot.
1. The Nut Behind the Wheel Award: Shortly after completing community service for being caught driving 97 in a 50 mile-per-hour zone, Yasiel Puig, the Cuban defector with a world of talent (and not a thimble worth of sense) doubled down. This time he was clocked at a cool 110 on a Florida turnpike. We were all taught by Charles Fischer himself when we came to work here … “If you do something wrong I never knew you.” Perhaps the Dodgers could offer that same advice to Puig. Oh, wait … he can hit.
2. The “I’ll Be Good – Really and Truly I Will” Award: The Cleveland Browns drafted the unquenchable Johnny Football during the 2014 draft. Knowing that their new quarterback (backup at that) had a world of baggage, the Browns asked only that he behave like a professional and keep his nose clean and out of the tabloids. Manziel readily agreed and stated that he only wanted to learn his craft toward helping the Browns to the playoffs. Shortly thereafter Manziel explained that, when he said he wanted to learn his craft, it was craft beer he had in mind. And when he said that he wanted to help the Browns he really meant that he wanted to hang with Floyd Mayweather and “The Biebs.” When Manziel eventually reported to mini-camp Browns Head Coach Mike Pettine reportedly said, “Yes, Mr. Football. We understand, Mr. Football.”
3. The “Good Touch Vs Bad Touch” Award: Oregon State University Rhodes Scholar Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson, in court for domestic violence, showed his appreciation for the job done by his attorney by slapping him on the rear end. The judge in the case, Kathleen McHugh, responded to the breach in courtroom decorum by sentencing Ochocinco to “Treinta” days in jail.
4. The “Rescue Me” Award: Just to show that the nuts don’t fall too far from campus, last Tuesday night a Seattle man, (and University of Washington season ticket holder) burned his house to the ground while trying to kill a spider with spray paint and a lighter.
Congratulations to all the winners. Go Ducks forever.
Top photo by commons.wikimedia.org
Volunteer Position Openings:
- Basketball Writer: Do you know the game and love to think about the upcoming season for our beloved Ducks? Write about them! It's fun doing homework on a winner!
- Assistant Football Analyst: Love college football and enjoy watching it for hours? We need associates to view games and find the techniques/teaching points we identify for them in advance. You will be recognized in publications, and could have the opportunity to move to full Analyst.
- College Football Analyst: We are looking for Coaches, or retired coaches to help create analysis videos (we do the video part) that will be viewed by thousands, and will help young football players as well as fans understand the game much better. The national recognition will help your resume' as well as make an impact upon the game we all dearly love.
- Video Specialist: We are looking for help in the Eugene/Springfield area to assist with the shooting and editing of analysis videos.
- All Positions: Send a resume' with full contact information and any writing samples you have to email@example.com Again, these are volunteer positions donating five hours a week each.