People Who Deserve a Swift Kick


Have you ever had one of those days? The toothpaste hit an air pocket and squirted down your hand. The coffeemaker gave up the ghost the same morning you were working with four hours of sleep. Your wife told you she’s leaving you for the Schwan’s driver.

I thought she just liked his ice cream

I thought she just liked his ice cream.

It’s like the “check engine” light came on for your whole life.



Hang in there. It’s days like this your friends at have your back. We understand that there are days when almost everyone in your life could use a kick in the bum, at the very least.

And a punch in the throat at most.

… And a punch in the throat at most.

We understand, because we have been there. Herein, a partial list of people who deserve a sound beating. Most of them litter social media. Some of them go to football games with us.

1. The Overly Affectionate Couple: “Having a wonderful breakfast, watching the sunrise with a woman even lovelier.”

Diabetes alert!

Diabetes alert!

OH, GAWD! Give it a rest. Chances are she said the same thing to the Schwan’s driver.

2. People Who Post Ambiguously: “Well, that’s that, I guess.” “Hmmm … what now?” “Is it tomorrow yet?”

Come here. I want to whisper something. Tell me what's wrong...or SHADDUP!"

Come here. I want to whisper something. Tell me what’s wrong … or SHADDUP!”

3. Check-ins: “At Costco.” REALLY? YOU’RE AT COSTCO? Have a $1.50 hot dog and Pepsi. Better yet:

Take a picture of it! Nothing will make my afternoon brighter than looking at YOUR LUNCH!

Take a picture of it! Nothing will make my afternoon SUNNIER than looking at YOUR LUNCH!

4. Thinly Disguised Sales Pitches Masquerading as Social Media: “Do you like this sweater? I made it! I can make one for you too. Message me for details.”

You know you've messed up when the pumpkins (They are pumpkins, aren't they?) look like they want to escape.

You know you’ve messed up when the pumpkins (they are pumpkins, aren’t they?) look like they want to escape.

5. Husky Fans Under the Age of 30 Who Talk About “Tradition.” My dad graduated the same year the Ducks won the 1939 NCAA Championship. That was great … for him. It has no sports fan relevance to me. Unless a Husky fan is nearing death, Ducks/Huskies is at best an even proposition for the vaunted “Dawgs.”

Bow down, indeed.

Bow down, indeed.

6. Fans Who Perpetually Show Up Late, Leave Early, or Miss the 3rd Quarter for an Extended Halftime: I understand leaving early if the score is a 50-point difference and you have to drive to …

Actually, no I don't! Stay for the whole game! The Schwan's man will wait.

Actually, no I don’t! Stay for the whole game! Your wife doesn’t miss you. She’s with the Schwan’s man.

Those are mine. Do you have any to add?

Go Ducks! Swing away. Bunting is for sissies.

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 Volunteer Position Openings:

--Media Management/Supervisor:  We are looking for someone beyond college age who can help manage students and mentor in a number of different departments. Expertise is not required as organizational skills and interest in guiding others.   --Assistant Football Analyst: Love college football and enjoy watching it for hours? We need associates to view games and find the techniques/teaching points we identify for them in advance.  You will be recognized in publications, and could have the opportunity to move to full Analyst.   --College Football Analyst: We are looking for Coaches, or retired coaches to help create analysis videos (we do the video part) that will be viewed by thousands, and will help young football players as well as fans understand the game much better. The national recognition will help your resume' as well as make an impact upon the game we all dearly love.   --Video Specialist: We are looking for help in the Eugene/Springfield area to assist with the shooting and editing of analysis videos.   All Positions: Send a resume' with full contact information and any writing samples you have to  Again, these are volunteer positions donating five hours a week each.

Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings is a 1984 graduate of Northwest Christian College. He cut his journalistic teeth as sports editor of a paper in his home town of Fortuna, CA, and, later as a columnist for the Longview Daily News in Longview, WA. He saw his first Oregon game in 1977 and never missed a home game from 1981 until a bout with pneumonia cut his streak short in 1997. He was one of the proud 3200 on a bitterly cold night in Shreveport, Louisiana in 1989 for the Independence Bowl, and continues to be big supporter of Oregon sports. He is an active participant on the various Oregon Ducks messageboards as "TacomaDuck."