People Who Deserve a Swift Kick

Have you ever had one of those days? The toothpaste hit an air pocket and squirted down your hand. The coffeemaker gave up the ghost the same morning you were working with four hours of sleep. Your wife told you she’s leaving you for the Schwan’s driver.

I thought she just liked his ice cream

flickr.com

I thought she just liked his ice cream.

It’s like the “check engine” light came on for your whole life.

Great!

openclipart.com

Great!

Hang in there. It’s days like this your friends at FishDuck.com have your back. We understand that there are days when almost everyone in your life could use a kick in the bum, at the very least.

And a punch in the throat at most.

en.wikimedia.org

… And a punch in the throat at most.

We understand, because we have been there. Herein, a partial list of people who deserve a sound beating. Most of them litter social media. Some of them go to football games with us.

1. The Overly Affectionate Couple: “Having a wonderful breakfast, watching the sunrise with a woman even lovelier.”

Diabetes alert!

flickr.com

Diabetes alert!

OH, GAWD! Give it a rest. Chances are she said the same thing to the Schwan’s driver.

2. People Who Post Ambiguously: “Well, that’s that, I guess.” “Hmmm … what now?” “Is it tomorrow yet?”

Come here. I want to whisper something. Tell me what's wrong...or SHADDUP!"

commons.wikimedia.org

Come here. I want to whisper something. Tell me what’s wrong … or SHADDUP!”

3. Check-ins: “At Costco.” REALLY? YOU’RE AT COSTCO? Have a $1.50 hot dog and Pepsi. Better yet:

Take a picture of it! Nothing will make my afternoon brighter than looking at YOUR LUNCH!

en.wikipedia.org

Take a picture of it! Nothing will make my afternoon SUNNIER than looking at YOUR LUNCH!

4. Thinly Disguised Sales Pitches Masquerading as Social Media: “Do you like this sweater? I made it! I can make one for you too. Message me for details.”

You know you've messed up when the pumpkins (They are pumpkins, aren't they?) look like they want to escape.

flickr.com

You know you’ve messed up when the pumpkins (they are pumpkins, aren’t they?) look like they want to escape.

5. Husky Fans Under the Age of 30 Who Talk About “Tradition.” My dad graduated the same year the Ducks won the 1939 NCAA Championship. That was great … for him. It has no sports fan relevance to me. Unless a Husky fan is nearing death, Ducks/Huskies is at best an even proposition for the vaunted “Dawgs.”

Bow down, indeed.

acreelman.blogspot.com

Bow down, indeed.

6. Fans Who Perpetually Show Up Late, Leave Early, or Miss the 3rd Quarter for an Extended Halftime: I understand leaving early if the score is a 50-point difference and you have to drive to …

Actually, no I don't! Stay for the whole game! The Schwan's man will wait.

www.flickr.com

Actually, no I don’t! Stay for the whole game! Your wife doesn’t miss you. She’s with the Schwan’s man.

Those are mine. Do you have any to add?

Go Ducks! Swing away. Bunting is for sissies.

Top photo by en.wikimedia.org

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