Roger Goodell’s Secret Draft Day Tweets

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It has to get tiresome for NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. He steps to the microphone to announce draft picks and gets booed. Sure he handled the Adrian Peterson case with all the finesse of a jackhammer going through creme brulee. Sure he waffled so many times during the Ray Rice case that the 2015 NFL season is sponsored by Bisquick. You bet he handled BountyGate with all the alacrity of a nose tackle mud wrestling in Pennzoil. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Does it?

{{{ it does }}}

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(It does.)

 

The whole thing makes one wonder how he keeps his spirits up. Now we know. In a FishDuck.com exclusive, we have found a transcript of Commissioner Goodell’s private tweets. Not for public consumption these are the thoughts he sends to only his closest friends and confidantes.

With the first selection of the NFL Draft, Tampa Bay selects Jameis Winston, quarterback Florida State:

*Morons. There isn’t a crab on the Gulf Coast sleeping well tonight.* #coolpirateshipthobro

I'm outta here."

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“I’m outta here.”

With the second selection in the 2015 NFL Draft, the Tennessee Titans select Marcus Mariota, quarterback Oregon:

*I wonder what Jake Locker is going to do now that he’s out of the NFL?* #plentyoftimetodeepkissMom

Mmmm, so nice.

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Good Lord!

With the fourth selection of the NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select Amari Cooper, wide receiver Alabama:

*Just what the Raiders needed! #Oaklandwherecareersgotodie

Nice crowd, Raiders.

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Excellent crowd, Raiders.

With the 11th selection of the 2015 NFL Draft, the Minnesota Vikings select Trae Waynes, defensive back Michigan State:

Was that a tattoo on Trae Wayne’s face? #devonallenscleatmarks

Not a problem, Trae. The NFL doesn't have any fast receivers. Don't worry.

Kevin Cline

Not a problem, Trae. The NFL doesn’t have any fast receivers. Don’t worry.

With the 12th selection in the 2015 NFL Draft, Cleveland selects Danny Shelton, defensive lineman Washington:

Shelton should be good. God knows Cleveland needs a winner. Last year they drafted a wiener. #Johnnyfoosball

Cleveland's fever dream.

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Cleveland’s fever dream.

With the 16th selection of the 2015 NFL Draft, Houston selects Kevin Johnson, defensive back Wake Forest:

I’m confused. Is this the Phoenix Suns guard?

...or the mayor of Sacramento

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… Or  is it the mayor of Sacramento? #Ithinkimshiffayshiffy…drunk

With the 25th selection of the 2015 NFL Draft, Carolina selects Shaq Thompson, linebacker Washington:

I wonder who makes more, Shaq in the pros or Newton in college? #praisejesusfortheunexpectedbountytocecilnewtonschurch

Every time it rains, it rains pennies from heaven Don't you know each cloud contains pennies from heaven?

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Every time it rains, it rains pennies from heaven.
Didn’t you know each cloud contains pennies from heaven?

FishDuck.com congratulates all of the Ducks drafted into the NFL. We know about Marcus to the Titans and Arik to the 49ers. Our insanely — um, perfectly reasonable deadline prohibits knowledge of who was taken in Round Two. But go Ducks, college, and pro!

Top photo by flickr.com

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Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings is a 1984 graduate of Northwest Christian College. He cut his journalistic teeth as sports editor of a paper in his home town of Fortuna, CA, and, later as a columnist for the Longview Daily News in Longview, WA. He saw his first Oregon game in 1977 and never missed a home game from 1981 until a bout with pneumonia cut his streak short in 1997. He was one of the proud 3200 on a bitterly cold night in Shreveport, Louisiana in 1989 for the Independence Bowl, and continues to be big supporter of Oregon sports. He is an active participant on the various Oregon Ducks messageboards as "TacomaDuck."