Corvallis, Oregon, Reaches for It’s True Potential

Hello friends. It’s good to talk with you again. As most of you know, I retired from FishDuck.com some time ago. I am enjoying the warm weather in my retirement community. The neighbors speak with an accent, making communication difficult. But that will come with time.

I knew I made some enemies in my time with FishDuck. I didn't know Husky fans had this kind of clout.

Commons Wikimedia

I knew I made some enemies in my time with FishDuck.com, but I didn’t know Husky fans had this kind of clout.

Not long ago I was reading a magazine someone had smuggled, via their rectum, into the retirement community. In it, I read Corvallis Makes List of Drunkest Towns in America at No. 20

Well sir, I couldn’t let such a thing go unremarked upon! Corvallis! You as a city must …

download

What? You think I’m suggesting Corvallis sober up? On the contrary! The last time I was in Corvallis this was my lunch …

Just from the pointlessness of the place

Commons Wikimedia

… just from the pointlessness of the place.

No, I am here to tell the good people (should any be found) of the City of Corvallis that you can do better. 20th place! Hell, no! You can be Top 15! You can be Top 10! There’s no reason you can’t win the prize! Make Ireland look like a bunch of teetotalers. Make Pullman look Amish!

Martin Stadium Shuttle Bus

Turn this into the Martin Stadium Shuttle Bus

How can Corvallis do the Watermelon Crawl up the drunken ladder to national prominence? It won’t be hard. Just follow a few steps as laid out at the last FishDuck.com staff convention in Fiji.

1. A New Name for Reser Stadium: We came up with a number of good ones. MD 20/20 Field. Thunderbird Coliseum. But we settled on:

Because who wouldn't want to attend a football game at a stadium extolling both cheap booze and questionable dating practices?

Commons Wikimedia

Because who wouldn’t want to attend a football game at a stadium extolling both cheap booze and questionable dating practices?

 

2. A More Accurate “Brand” For Your Cheerleaders. The Ducks have the market cornered on class and pure beauty.

Hello, Amanda. How are you?

Commons Wikimedia

Hello, Amanda. How are you?

So Corvallis has to make their own way toward the image they truly wish to portray.

OSU's next cheer coach.

Commons Wikimedia

OSU’s next cheer coach.

3. A New Mayor: Since this is an election season, what better time to burnish Corvallis’ reputation as the Beer Fart Capital of the Pacific Northwest?

Psst. Mayor Parker. It's time for your staff meeting.

Commons Wikimedia

Psst. Mayor Parker. It’s time for your staff meeting.

But mostly, Corvallis, remember this.

"We're all rooting for you."

Commons Wikimedia

“We’re all rooting for you.”

Top photo by epodunk.com

(Really, it was. How rich is that?)

Print Friendly
Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings is a 1984 graduate of Northwest Christian College. He cut his journalistic teeth as sports editor of a paper in his home town of Fortuna, CA, and, later as a columnist for the Longview Daily News in Longview, WA. He saw his first Oregon game in 1977 and never missed a home game from 1981 until a bout with pneumonia cut his streak short in 1997. He was one of the proud 3200 on a bitterly cold night in Shreveport, Louisiana in 1989 for the Independence Bowl, and continues to be big supporter of Oregon sports. He is an active participant on the various Oregon Ducks messageboards as "TacomaDuck."

  • FishDuck

    Kim is one of my all-time favorite writers, and really appreciate him giving me a guest appearance again for the sake of laughing at the Beavs. I love it!