My friends … Kim Hastings was the humor writer at FishDuck.com for over four years, as every Saturday morning it was fun to check the site and have some laughs over a good cup of java. I really miss his humor, and as favor to me–he came back to offer some fun to brighten your day too. Charles Fischer
My favorite day of the year was yesterday. FAT TUESDAY! GOOD GOD! (You can still say that on Fat Tuesday). That’s the culmination of the week-long Mardi Gras Bacchanalia before all that dreary repentance.
I understand the concept of Lent. People are supposed to give up something that they like for the duration of the Season of Lent. It helps keep them humble and penitent for the sins that they have been committing.
“Hmmpphh! If it’s sins that interest you let’s talk about Oregon State and their …”
“Ohhhh … me … ME??? Us? The Ducks of Oregon? Frankly, I never thought we would have to repent or even apologize for anything! But, team player that I am, I will try.
As the pacesetter, trendsetter, and overall rock star of the academic and sports community, though, I guess we should exhibit leadership, even in this arena. Sure, it hardly seems fair, but be a good Duck about it all. Let’s work out a list together, shall we?
1.) Give up The Foghorn at Autzen? In case anyone hasn’t noticed, though it never rains in Autzen Stadium, it often rains in the rest of the state. That Autzen is in The Gobi Vortex and remains perfectly dry year after year has been something that scientists have been studying for over a decade. The best guess at this point is that it has something to do with a combination of climate change and Audrey Hepburn’s hat that created this oasis of dry in the midst of the rain forest.
At any rate the foghorn that blows after scores at Autzen Stadium is symbolic of the rainy climate as well as the sea-faring nature of Oregonians from time immemorial. Giving up the foghorn is tantamount to giving up Moe’s Clam Chowder, but I said that I would do this. I would be willing to give up the foghorn for Lent and replace it with this …
“Nooo, get him, you say?”
2.) Give up The Harley? Maybe we should put the bike away for awhile. Make a real commitment to taking the field in a more subdued fashion. The bike is powerful, loud, even obnoxious, to our “guests” from other universities. No doubt they would like to see us come into the field of play using an implement more fitting to our new intention of leading the league in humility, forbearance and “Hail fellow well met.”
Something quiet and dignified would be in order. A parade float? Good idea, but how would we get a different one each week? Our student body is so busy gaining Fulbright Scholarships, Rhodes Scholarships, and Nobel Prizes in Literature, Science and Peace that there isn’t enough time to put together a dignified float for a football game.
I know! Let’s take the field led by something with understated class. Something with “Sportsmanship” written all over it.
3.) Give up Chip Kelly for Lent? Do you know there have been 44,674,286 babies born in the world since Chip left Oregon for the peaceful, understanding and forgiving environs of Philadelphia? They were great days. They may be days we will not experience again in our lifetimes. But a new and competent coach means a new, and successful approach. We at FishDuck Worldwide Industries (headquartered in Zurich) believe that with all of our hearts. So goodbye, Chipper. It was wonderful knowing you. But, it’s Lent, and we’re movin’ on.
4.) Give up the Oregon Cheerleaders for Lent?
5.) Give up Duck Lips? Nothing says that a Duck is in the Hizzy as well as a pair of Duck Lips. These little yellow gems have been worn by actors, actresses, sideline reporters, Lee Corso, and a weatherman in Shreveport, Louisiana who was all the way pumped about our first visit to his fair city in 1989. They have been our retort of first use against those who would quack derisively at us. It’s our way of saying, “QUACK YOURSELF, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SH……….”
Must relax … It’s the season of reconciliation. Would I give up a pair of Duck Lips for Lent? Could I, in the spirit of alms giving, send a pair of shiny yellow Duck Lips to Sally Struthers that she might make a child’s day? Yes, I can! I am that big of a man! And for awhile we could replace the sound of happy quacking with something else … like this!
6.) Give up The Pick for Lent? To many of us October 22, 1994 ranks among the greatest days of our lives. Ask almost any Duck fan when we came of age and started our rise to the elite level of college football, and they will not only tell you it was October 22, 1994, they will call it “The Pick” and be able to tell you where they were and who’s arms they threw themselves into at the end of “The Most Improbable End to a Football Game.”
Since that day, The Pick has been as emblematic of the start of a home game as The National Anthem. Kenny Wheaton has sealed his name in the archives of Ducks and ought never pay for a drink in Lane County again.
Can I give up The Pick? Can I, in the spirit of humility and oneness with fans of other, less fortunate, teams do this? And how would I replace it? Certainly with something that will bring northwest fans together in oneness and unity. Something like …
No Pick for Lent? This will work nicely…
7.) Give up The Trees on Matt Court? You know, the way other teams’ fans have complained about the unique tree arrangement of Matt Court you would think that we had built the court out of Play-Doh. “We can’t SEEEEEEEEE!!” “It’s DisTRACTing!!” “BlubberteeBLUB!!” are just some of the actual quotes that have been gathered from basketball fans that have come to Eugene.
Apparently, they haven’t noticed the huge condor-like creature that covers 75% of the floor at Kansas’ Allen Fieldhouse or the GIGANDO “N” that sits on the floor in Lincoln, Nebraska.
Okay, okay! This is supposed to be about what we are willing to give up in the spirit of humility and sportsmanship. I can give up the trees … as long as they have to play with our new basketball.
8.) Give up Mocking the Huskies and the Beavers? Are you $%#*^%$ kidding me? I can maybe Kumbaya with someone that is out of our own conference. I might … MIGHT … be able to canoodle with someone from Cal. But to ask me to stop mocking the Huskies and our neighbors in the pasture is simply too much to ask of me. Get out of town! I mean leave whatever town you are in right now and do not return! I won’t even pretend. I can’t even imagine and I won’t.
Besides, I have already decided what I will give up for Lent. It’s something that I am attached to, that I use daily and that will cause a hardship not to have. I hereby promise that for at least 8 hours every day during the Lenten Season I will give up …
(But I will not give up the fun memory)
Top Photo by Kevin Cline