FishDuck Imagines College Basketball Media Discussing Selection Sunday

Kim Hastings FishWrap, FishWrap Archive

Tomorrow is Selection Sunday for the NCAA Tournament. It is a chance for fans of good teams to celebrate their success … and pray to Sweet Baby Jesus that their team avoids being an eight or nine seed in Kentucky’s region.

"Dear Lord, since you can't have us play Oregon State again, how about Virginia, or Duke. Just not Kentucky. God Bless Mommy and Daddy and that funny guy on FishDuck.com. Amen.

“Dear Lord, since you can’t have us play Oregon State again, how about Virginia or Duke? Just not Kentucky. God Bless Mommy and Daddy and that funny guy on FishDuck.com. Amen.

But for the national college basketball pundits, it is one more chance to show their expertise on ESPN and CBS.

Yes, Jim. I was invited to talk hoops and promote my new line of hair products, "Melcreem."

“Yes, Jim. I was invited to talk hoops and promote my new line of hair products, ‘Melcream.'”

Jim Nantz: “Hello, I’m Jim Nantz. Alongside is Jay Bilas, Dick Vitale, Gus Johnson, Holly Rowe, Bill Raftery and … Mel Kiper?”

Yes, Jim. I was invited to talk hoops and promote my new line of hair products, "Melcreem."

Hidden camera look at Mel Kiper first thing in the morning.

Mel: “Yes, Jim. I was invited to talk hoops and promote my new line of hair products, ‘Melcream.'”

Jim: “Good to have y–”

Dick: “When you’re talking about hair, I don’t have any, HAHAHA! But seriously, you have to look at Quinnipiac and BYU as teams that could surprise.”

Dick Vitale's Dancing With the Stars audition tape."

Dick Vitale’s “Dancing With the Stars” audition tape.

Bill: “Quinnipiac my eye, Vitale. They’re terrible! They don’t play mantoman!”

Bill Raftery, explaining his gift for announcing college basketball through closed eyes.

Bill Raftery explaining his gift for announcing college basketball through closed eyes.

Dick: “OH NO NOOOOOO BAYBEEEE! THEY HAVE EMANUEL BINYAM AND ZAID HEARST. THEY’RE AWESOME BAYBEEE!”

Jay: “Shut your hole, Dick. No one likes you.”

Holly: “I like Dick.”

Jay Bilas' audition tape for the role of "Cranky," in The Seven Dwarves call a basketball game.

Jay Bilas’ audition tape for the role of Cranky, in ESPN’s 30 for 30, “The Seven Dwarves Call a Basketball Game.”

Mel: ”I like Dick too. His name is almost Vitalis. Speaking of hair … ”

Jay (Interrupting Mel): ”Holly, get off your chair, quick!”

(Holly stands up, with a questioning look on her face.)

Jay: “See! It’s an empty chair, and Luke Ridnour isn’t guarding it!”

All: “Shut up, Jay!”

Dick: “Let’s get back to the brackets. When you’re talking about an Oregon team, you’re talking about Slim Wintermute … ”

(Jim Nantz puts a pill in Dick’s mouth.)

Jim: “There you go, old timer. All better. Now, who’s hungry for a croissant?”

Bill: “Speaking of French pastry, I think someone farted.”

Gus: “Rise and fire!”

Jim: “We need to get serious. Who wants to give us their prediction for who cuts down the nets?”

Jay: “Someone from the ACC, because they’re all nine feet tall with Golden Orbs where mortals have heads.”

ACC basketball in the fevered dreams of Jay Bilas.

ACC basketball in the fevered dreams of Jay Bilas.

Holly: “Indiana, because that’s where Dick Van Arsdale played. Or Wisconsin. Dick Bennett used to coach there. Or Arizona. They were really good under Dick Tomey.”

(Everyone moves their chairs a little further away from Holly.)

Jim: “Thank you, Holly. Anyone else?”

Dick: (Mumbling) “The Dookies cut down the nets … baybee.”

Gus: I AGREE! DOOKIE IS WHERE IT’S AT BECAUSE THE TIDE IS BEGINNING TO TURN! PUT THE GOLDEN SLIPPER ON DUKE!”

ALL: “SHUT UP, GUS!”

Top photo by presidiosports.com

New 2024 FishDuck Publishing Schedule….

During the off-season the FishDuck.com publishing schedule will consist of articles on Mondays and Tuesdays. Do keep checking as new articles could be published during the week when a writer has something to say.

In mid-August of 2024, we will go back to the seven-days-a-week of articles during the football season as we did in the football season of 2023.

The Our Beloved Ducks Forum (OBD) is where we we discuss the article above and many more topics, as it is so much easier in a message board format over there.  At the free OBD forum we will be posting Oregon Sports article links, the daily Press Releases from the Athletic Department and the news coming out every day.

Our 33 rules at the free OBD Forum can be summarized to this: 1) be polite and respectful, 2) do not tell anyone what to think, feel or write, and 3) no reference of any kind to politics. Easy-peasy!

OBD Forum members….we got your back.  No Trolls Allowed!