Chicago, Ill. September 3, 2015 — Saturday’s matchup between last year’s Pac-12 Northern Division runner-up Stanford and Northwestern has been canceled due to Stanford’s refusal to cross union picket lines that were established when the Northwestern Organization for Growth of Immense Revenues for Labor in Sports (NOGIRLS) voted to strike.
In a complex chain of events, a Seventh Circuit federal judge ruled that under Title IX, NOGIRLS had no legal right to exclude women athletes and male participants in the so-called ‘minor’ or ‘Olympic’ sports from their union. Once admitted, the women and non-revenue athletes — who outnumber the football and men’s basketball athletes by more than two to one — began lobbying for fringe benefits equal to those afforded the revenue-producing athletes.
“It’s all those damn liberals’ fault,” said a disdained Northwestern football player who chose to remain anonymous. “Everybody knows the damn judge has a daughter on the swim team up at Wisconsin, so it’s obvious that he’s just looking out for his own self interest. This is about money, and who the hell pays to watch college girls swim? That B.S. about the girls and the boys in the froo-froo sports being employees, too, is just that — B.S.”
Things came to a head when, despite a unanimous “no” vote from the football players and alleged harassment from the football team and Chicago union strongmen, NOGIRLS voted to demand full access to the football operations center for all athletes. “This has put us in a really bad spot,” admitted newly-elected Northwestern University President Cotton Middler. “We’re just not in a position to resolve a conflict within NOGIRLS. I mean, it’s like having 500 teenage children. How can you win?”
“A lot of the employee-athletes caved under the pressure, and it was really scary to vote in favor of the strike,” said Ima Putter, the captain of the Northwestern women’s golf team, who cast the deciding ballot. “But the truth is that the football players and the men’s basketball team have been getting all the goodies for years. We work just as hard as they do, and it’s time for us to cash in, too!”
When the Northwestern football team voted unanimously to leave the union earlier this week, it appeared that Saturday’s game against Stanford was back on. But then the Stanford Union of College Kid Athletes (SUCKA) voted to support NOGIRLS by refusing to cross picket lines.
“Of course we want to play the game,” said Stanford coach David Shaw, “but here at Stanford we’re proud of all of our sports programs. It’s no secret that Stanford has won the Director’s Cup for overall athletic excellence the past 524 years in a row, and since the average starting salary for a Stanford graduate fresh out of college is $576,743.19, our loyal alumni association can take care of all of our athletes. We can afford to miss this one game. What’s a few million, anyway?”
A source at ESPN, which had television rights to the game, said that they are looking at the mess and trying to figure out who to sue. The ESPN spokesman said, “Obviously we’re out the money we would have made and we’re scrambling to try to keep our advertisers happy. We have a contract and the two teams are legally obligated to play. Our legal department is working on whether we have the best case against NOGIRLS for starting this mess in the first place, Northwestern University for failing to resolve its labor problems, SUCKA for refusing to play the game or Stanford University for supporting and seemingly encouraging the walkout. Hell, we just might sue ‘em all!”
In a related story, employee-athletes at Florida State, the University of Miami (Florida), and the South East Conference Organization for Netting the Demands of College Unions Zealots (SECONDCUZ) have strike votes scheduled next week to overthrow the requirement that employee-athletes enroll in classes. They claim that obligatory class enrollment for athletes is discriminatory because it is not a general requirement for university employment.
Main photo from Google Images
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