The Tax Man Bloweth

Kim Hastings FishWrap, FishWrap Archive 5 Comments

I can’t be expected to be funny today.  I’m working under a great deal of stress.  This is the weekend that makes strong men cower and weak men crumble.  Monday is tax day.

Sure, I could have done my taxes earlier, but I had to wait for my Form 1120-F  ”Deductions Allocated to Effectively Connected Income Under Regulations Section 1.861-8″, just like you probably did.  It should be here today.

Taxes are a tricky subject.  I wish that I could choose what I pay for.  Feeding the hungry?  Check.  Blowing up the hungry?  Pass.  But, alas, it doesn’t work that way.  As part of this great country we all contribute to the causes that are chosen for us.

That being the case, I have some ideas for taxes that would bring in additional revenue.  I call them:


Taxes That Make Too Much Sense:


1.)  Tax on the BCS:   Before you even start on the “It’s about the student- athlete” nonsense, just stop.  Every level of every collegiate sport in America has a playoff system with which to crown a national champion.  If the time can be found, and the venue secured, for Blah Blah State to play Tomfoolery U for the FCS Championship, then it can be done for Division 1.  Deep Throat said, “Follow the money.”  It is in following the money that we find the current, messed-up, college football scenario.  Passage of this tax would be filibustered by the Southeastern Conference


2.) Tax on Bottled Water: Gas prices are ridiculous.  I’m going to terribly miss my firstborn that I had to trade for 10 gallons of 92 Octane yesterday.  That said, I can’t feel too sorry for the guy that is bitching about gas prices while sucking down a bottle of Arrowhead Water.  We have the cleanest water in the world.  It’s filtered and filtered and treated and re-treated.  It’s not like you’re drinking the mess that comes out of Shamu’s tank at Sea World when you turn on the cold water tap.  We have been conditioned like robots to believe that, since it comes out of a refrigerator and is cold, it’s somehow better water. It’s not.  Be brave.  Drink tap water.


3.) Tax on T.V. Timeouts During Basketball Games:  You don’t need me to tell you that, in college basketball, a media timeout is called at the first clock stoppage after 16, 12, 8, and 4 minutes of each half.  That’s in addition to the 5 timeouts per game that each team is granted.  That means that there can be 18 timeouts in a college basketball game.  Come on!  You can fit the Lowe’s “ It’s Time To Go Ouuuttttssssiiidddee” ads into the ten timeouts that are going to be called anyway.  Play ball!


4.) Tax on Stepping Out of the Batter’s Box:  Your batting gloves are tight enough and if you need a practice swing at this point you have no chance.  Play ball!


5.) Tax on Spitting:  We all know that the use of chewing tobacco leads to all manner of awful things.  Former All-Star Tony Gwynn has become a poster child for the misery that can be caused by the use of this wholly disgusting product.  Taxing the product doesn’t seem to do any good.  So let’s tax the spit.  Guaranteed, the use of chew would drop dramatically if the player was taxed per spit. Since swallowing the swill isn’t an option, let’s tax the expectoration.


6.) Tax on Roadtrip Bathroom Stops:  It’s 530 miles from Eugene to San Francisco.  That should take us about 8 hours.  Stop in Weed for gas, bathroom and a burger at the Hi-Lo and you have a trip that should last from 8 a.m to about 4:30 p.m.  It would if you were driving alone…but you’re not.  Somebody needs coffee in Roseburg, a pee stop in Grants Pass, a snack in Ashland, a potty stop in Yreka, coffee in Red Bluff, pee it out in Fairfield.  Aaaarrrggghhhh!  We’re men!  We were born to make time!  Tax on bathroom stops.  Tax credit for cork!


7.) Tax on Saying “At the End of the Day”:  You know that you haven’t added anything to your assertion by saying this, don’t you?  You know that all you’ve done is make your sentence more bloated than me at a free refill Pepsi machine, don’t you?


8.) Tax on Cup Adjustments:  It’s there.  It’s fine.  You’re  good.


9.) Tax on Gasbaggery:  The NCAA decision on whatever minor transgressions that the Ducks may have inadvertently committed will come down soon enough.  The fervent prayers and pontifications of those who are jealous of the Ducks won’t make the decision come any faster.  The question is, why would they want it to come faster?  After it does come, the only thing left to talk about is what happens on the field.



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