NCAA Probe Complete

Kim Hastings FishWrap, FishWrap Archive 7 Comments

CSI FishDuck: NCAA Probe Files – Eugene

In this week’s episode, the NCAA Probe is complete, and about time too. The NCAA investigation of the Oregon program has caused no end of worry and fret among Duck fans around the world. Finally the probe is complete. Information and sanctions are expected to be handed down in the next few days.

FishDuck International in association with M5 and the French Sur’ete’ Nacioniale broke the story just last night. This closes the books on months of hush-hush undercover operations that involved the use of clandestine surveillance, secret dead drops, torture, and decoder rings. Here is what we know, and can divulge, at this time:

It apparently all began with Willie Lyles.


He was in contact with Lache Seastrunk’s mother’s aunt’s cousin in ways vaguely carnal. This led to a pillow talk 3-way phone conversation between Lyles, Lyle’s paramour, and Chip Kelly. This conversation, since it was placed while Lyles was wearing nothing but a smile, made Lyles a booster. Furthering the very nefariousness of this behavior was the fact that Willie bragged about his impressive naked boosting to his 3rd uncle twice removed.

Willie Mays said “Hey” to Willie Lyles. Lyles told Mays that he was the newly minted “Booster X” for the Oregon Duck football team, and that he could get Mays a sweet pair of tickets to a game. Mays, suspecting that his phone had been tapped, told Lyles that he would only talk to him through a trusted 3rd party, Mae West:

Mae West was only too glad to be kept abreast of the situation. A long time fan of the Oregon football program, Miss West offered to be the go-between for Willie Lyles, Lache Seastrunk and Chip Kelly. She chose the local Hooters to be the command post for the operation. Knowing her face was too famous for her part of the operation to be kept secret, she chose to wear a disguise and go by the name Lungs Luscious.

As any good student of subterfuge knows, the more people that know about a plan the greater the chance that the plan will fail. Soon the Lyles/ Seastrunk plan caught the attention of a famous Secret Service agent:

Along with his trusty sidekick

James West and Artemus Gordon, through some daring undercover work under Mae West found out that she was the key linchpin in the plot to gain a competitive advantage by the University of Oregon. He had Willie Lyles tailed for weeks, but the trail grew cold. James and Artemus had learned only that Willie Lyles had a mole on his backside.

and that he had a fondness for

Fearing that the Oregon dodge would go unpunished, West and Gordon turned over their case files to another law enforcement professional, known for adept police work. A man with a plan…and help.

And this is where the truth finally came out. Willie Lyles, to Willie Mays, to Mae West, to Jim West, to Artemus Gordon, to Commissioner Gordon and finally to the ace reporter who ferreted it all out.

Cuff us! We can’t do it anymore! You’ve got us, Coppers! We would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for that meddling reporter. We could have dominated the football world for years to come if one man, using only his bloodhound skills and inherent heart for fair play hadn’t ruined it!

Peter Parker should have such skills!

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