My wife and I are shopping for a new car. The first thing we had to do was decide just what we wanted the car to say about us. First we need something that reflects my status as a successful internet columnist/reporter.
At the same time reflecting the living I’m actually making as a successful internet columnist reporter.
I could see that this wasn’t going to be easy.
So I decided to expand my horizons and look for cars somewhere besides my own back yard. Maybe the class and culture from somewhere far flung would meet my needs and satisfy both the voice that says, “You would look good in a convertible,” as well as the voice that says, “You paid WHAT???” That last voice sounds kind of female…and close by. So off I went. My own Corps of Discovery, if you will. What should I buy?
Boulder, Colorado: I don’t know if Rocky Mountain Motors really understood the question. The saleswoman came out of the showroom and said, “Can I help you?” I said, “Let’s see.” and she disappeared. Five minutes later she came back with Colorado’s best offer.
It may take Colorado awhile to get it. Next stop:
Los Angeles, California: Trojan Motor Works was where I figured to find success. I knew that they would be familiar with how to carry a family, and all the baggage that comes with a family, on a road trip. The Trojans are all about baggage. The fleeing Pete Carroll, the fleet Reggie Bush, a load of warm Kiffins, all stuffed into a roster built smaller than usual. They gave it their best shot…
But since it didn’t come with the Christie Brinkley seat covers, I had to take a pass. Next stop:
Seattle, Washington: Did you know that Husky stadium fell down? No, not this year when they wanted it to fall down, but 1987, when they would have rather it stayed upright.
Of course, it’s low hanging fruit for me to make mention of all of the collapsing that has gone on with the Huskies since then… like nearly a decade of losses against Oregon, and the time that Oregon State came in as a 415-point underdog and took the Huskies down…and Ty…and Baylor. So I won’t mention them.
But maybe someone connected to the Huskies could help me buy a car?
Nope. Next stop:
Corvallis, Oregon: All kidding aside, maybe someone in Corvallis could actually help me. Sure, some of their supporters who are already renowned car dealers are a little bit on the shady side of the street, but that’s not everyone. Corvallis is filled with hard working people who will pay an honest buck for an honest day’s work. Hearty salt of the earth type folks, or so they say. And, doggone it, they did try to help.
They had a used rig right near campus that had only been driven a few times. Once to a bar, once to a cab stand, once to a vehicular carnage involving gay sheep and drunk football players, or maybe the other way around. It only had one previous owner, who was tazered by police for charging them out of a naked three-point stance. Oh and one other time when a bunch of football fans were pricked by rose thorns. But a vehicle like this was sure to be low mileage and might be just what I need.
Except that it wasn’t.
I didn’t know what to do. I only had one more place to look and I had faced nothing but failure thus far. Maybe I could find what I was looking for in…
Eugene, Oregon: Could this be where I could find the ride of my dreams? Might this be where form, functionality, and delicious class come together for me?
Why, yes. Fill it with premium and I’ll be on my way.
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