How to Destroy Every Lame Anti-Oregon Argument in Two Sentences or Less

As an astute extremely-part-time football analysis writer and extremely-full-time football blog peruser, I would like to say I have my figurative finger on the figurative pulse of College Football Nation. I couldn’t help but notice that a lot of fans of other teams across the nation are – how do you say – drinking Haterade. (I think that’s what the kids say nowadays.) But no fear! We at FishDuck.com have fully analyzed these “arguments” (like the Fish analyzes the double-stack formation) and have a definitive guide to one-liner responses to every lame argument opposing fans can throw at you.  Good luck out there in the real world and in the Blogosphere, Ducks fans:

When they say:

“Oregon doesn’t even play REAL football!”

You say:

“Why, haven’t you read that recent FishDuck article on the same topic?”

When they say:

“Oregon doesn’t have SEC size.”

You say:

“Did you know Oregon has 28 players either over 6′ 5″ or over 300 pounds? How many does your team have?”

When they say:

“Oregon can’t beat elite defenses with NFL talent.”

You say:

Neither can your team.

When they say:

“Did you see that USC game? Oregon’s defense can’t stay with first-round NFL talent at quarterback and receiver.”

You say:

“Tell me more about that, elite SEC defenses who keep giving up 400+ total yards to Johnny ‘Football’ and have all of a sudden made ZACH METTENBERGER look like an all-conference quarterback. ZACH METTENBERGER.”

When they s– ZACH METTENBERGER!

OK, I got it.

When they say:

“Oregon can’t even run between the tackles!”

You say:

“That’s probably what Wisconsin defenders thought right before De’Anthony Thomas went right up the gut for 91 yards, or USC thought before Kenjon went for 321, or the rest of the nation thought before Oregon ranked #2 overall in rushing (and #1 last year, and #5 in 2010, and # 7 in 2009…).”

When they say:

“You give an elite defense like Boise State, Ohio State, Auburn, or LSU time to prepare against this ‘system,’ the Ducks can’t win.”

You say:

“(A) Do you really want to start comparing what other teams did to other teams in 2009 and 2010 to discuss the quality of current teams? (B) Tell me more about how your offense does when top-5 defenses have weeks to prepare.”

When they say:

“Oregon can’t produce NFL talent.”

You say:

“Oregon has 24 players on current NFL rosters: more than Kansas State, West Virginia, Virginia Tech, Texas A&M, Clemson, Ole Miss, or Arkansas; the same number as Wisconsin, Penn State, or Stanford; just one fewer than Oklahoma, Michigan, Florida State, or South Carolina; and just three fewer than Auburn or Tennessee.”

When they say:

“Sure, Oregon can win, but who wouldn’t against that schedule?”

You say:

If you want Oregon to apologize for whipping every team on its schedule equally, you’ll be waiting for an apology a long time. Also, tell out-of-conference teams to start coming to Autzen instead of backing out of home-and-homes (I’m looking in the direction of teams that rhyme with Schmorgia and Schpansas Schpate.)

When they say:

“They haven’t played any good defenses – no one even plays defense in the entire Pac-12!”

You say:

Just because getting pummeled by Oregon’s offense puts a now-discontinued Hummer-sized dent in each and every opposing defense’s stats doesn’t mean that the defenses are bad: maybe it means that Oregon’s offense is once-in-a-generation good?

When they say:

“Watching the Ducks roll opponents by three touchdowns every week is so BORING.”

You say:

Great! If you want to watch low-scoring struggles over middle-of-the road teams like Purdue, BYU, Pitt, or Boston College, I suggest you check out the Notre Dame Fighting Irish! Come on back when you’re ready to watch a team cover the spread.

When they say:

[Most of the arguments above.]

You say:

…Didn’t seem to be a problem for Texas A&M!

And then you say:

Zing.

When they say:

“Go.”

You say:

Ducks.