The Tax Man Can Biteth Me

I just finished my yearly wrangling of the tax code through my friends at Turbo Tax.  Though TT is quite good at finding the more obvious deductions, I had to coax it along to find actual tax breaks that are a little more…obscure.


Posing Oil: (Tax Code Summary 2004-117)  As you can probably tell from my profile picture, I’m cut as hell.  If I “Kaepernicked” it would break the neighbor’s neighbor’s windows.  I was glad to find out that when I oil up the juice that makes me shimmer is tax deductible.

Picture of me at a casual gathering


Expenses of Whaling Captains:  Publication 526 (2012).  This one comes in handy when I take to the Willamette on a whaling expedition.  While I’ve never actually seen a whale in the waters near the footbridge, I stay on the lookout.

Future site of the University of Oregon Whaling Hall of Fame


I have had my battles, though, with the humorless folks at Internal Revenue.  Some of the loopholes that I tried to use include:

Prescription Xanax for the Chip Kelly Employment Watch:  Heart palpitations, sweaty palms, high blood pressure, shortness of breath, anal fissures, swollen spleen, growth of cranial watermelon, burning urination, and hallucinations involving monkeys gardening in my yard.  I’ve had them all.  My doctor said that it was the annual Chip Watch.  But could I get tax relief from the medication?  Not a chance.

Me, from the end of the Fiesta Bowl through the hiring of Chip by Philadelphia


Biofeedback for Hysteria Disorder:  “The difference between the two teams is not as great as the score would indicate.”  “We’re back.”  “We are young.”  This kind of stuff would make the Sphinx lean back and giggle.  Will the IRS let me deduct the cost of treatment?  Can U-Dub get rid of that funny smell at Husky Stadium?

Did you hear the one about the off-season national championship?


May your tax burden be light, your deductions many, and the wind from the blowhards from Seattle fill the sails on your own whaling vessel.


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