Auburn is Just the Tip of the Iceberg

Kim Hastings FishWrap, FishWrap Archive Leave a Comment

The story is just now coming to full light, but according to Sports Illustrated, in 2010 Auburn coaches were only interrupted in giving hundreds of dollars to their players by the need to get busy changing their grades to keep them eligible.  Gene Chizik apparently DID NOT appreciate having to call first half timeouts so that his players could run to the ATM and deposit the money that was in their pants.

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“I sometimes forget. You’re a linebacker so you get 50 grand, right?”

 

If all of this is true (and its written down somewhere so it must be, right?  Duck fans know about that.), then having their national title stripped from them might be the least of Auburn’s concerns.  The National Championship will be vacated rather than given to us, but at least we will be able to rest in the knowledge that, without shenanigans, we probably would have won the Natty that season.

The crack staff of FishDuck International Ltd. (A wholly owned subsidiary of In-and-Out Burgers) has uncovered much more in the way of extinguishing earlier losses.

 

November 7, 2009:  Stanford 51, Oregon 42:  Our staff has discovered a little known rule that prohibits a player from having more hair on his neck than on his chin.  Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck reportedly told NCAA officials that he played that night with a llama under his jersey for warmth.  The investigators were unmoved.

 

Luck committing a fur foul during the 2009 game v. Oregon

 

November 19, 2011:  USC 38, Oregon 35:  This game result has been disallowed because it has been uncovered that there were players on the USC team whose parents WERE NOT living rent-free in luxury condominiums.  USC athletic director and boyishly innocent looking former quarterback Pat Haden said, “We are really embarrassed by this.  Becoming a Trojan is supposed to be an investment that will pay off almost immediately.”  Haden immediately started a 501c3 non-profit under the name “Parents Without Benzes” to help deal with this oversight.

 

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“I offer only my contrition…and a lease-free Bentley.”

 

The NCAA apologizes that so many of these violations have gone unnoticed for several years.  They promise that the offenders will be punished and an investigation is currently underway to ascertain how a Tyrone Willingham team ever beat Oregon in 2001.

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