National Crises Solved Here

Kim Hastings FishWrap, FishWrap Archive 9 Comments

Good morning, birds of a feather.  It has been said that sports are an escape from the problems of the world.  I suggest that they are more important than that.  We all know that this country has some problems that it needs to solve.  The world of sports offers not just a distraction, but solutions.

Dependence on Foreign Energy: Political strife surrounds most of the known available oil.  The Keystone Pipeline has it’s detractors, fracking causes earthquakes, and calls for domestic conservation are met with  NASCAR.  Where can we find the precious fuel that heats our homes and powers Grave Digger?

Grave Digger

Not Exactly a Prius

Well we can find the solution in the world of sports, of course.  Specifically college football.  We need never concern ourselves about a shortage of oil if we just drill into the souls of the three oiliest characters that we can find.  There’s enough grease in these pigs to fry your bacon for a month.

The Right Reverend Cecil (How much tithe to the Lord can I expect for my boy Cam, hoss?) Newton

The Right Reverend Cecil (“So tell me, hoss.  How much tithe to the Lord can I expect for my boy Cam?”) Newton

Reggie Bush who?

“Reggie Bush who?  I’ve wanted to coach in Seattle forever.”

Mmmm-hmmm indeed you snake.

Mm-hmm indeed.

Joblessness:  The unemployment rate is hanging stubbornly at between eight and nine percent according to recent statistics.  Jobs that would have normally gone into the domestic pile are being outsourced overseas.  There is a growth industry on the horizon, though.  Tim Tebow didn’t play in New England’s 40-7 loss to Detroit in game three of the preseason and, according to reports this morning, he isn’t scheduled to see action next week either.  It seems increasingly likely that Tebow will not be on New England’s Opening Day roster in two weeks.   Grief counselors are needed, stat!

Tears for Timbo.

Tears for Timbo.

Depression:  All joking aside, anyone who has ever been a loved one of someone with depression knows that it is an awful malady that saps the sufferers will to even get out of bed.  No amount of encouragement helps someone who is that far down.  The good folks at FishDuck Interstellar Holdings understand and care about our readers who may be afflicted.  Sometimes if you have something to look forward to it helps.  To that end we offer this light at the end of the summer:

Thursday | Aug. 29
North Carolina at (8) South Carolina | 3 p.m. | ESPN
(16) Utah State at Utah | 5 p.m. | Fox Sports 1
Ole Miss at (23) Vanderbilt | 6:15 p.m. | ESPN

Friday | Aug. 30
North Dakota State at (12) Kansas State | 5:30 p.m. | Fox Sports 1

Saturday | Aug. 31
Buffalo at (3) Ohio State | 9:00 a.m | ESPN2
Toledo at (9) Florida | 9:21 a.m. | ESPN3/SEC Network
Rice at (5) Texas A&M | 10 a.m. | ESPN
Central Michigan at (24) Michigan | 12:30 p.m. | Big Ten Network/BTN2
Temple at (4) Notre Dame | 12:30 p.m. | NBCS
(22) Northern Illinois at Iowa  12:30 p.m. | Big Ten Network/BTN2
Nicholls State at (2) Oregon | 4 p.m. | Fox Sports 1
Virginia Tech vs. (1) Alabama | Dallas | 2:30 p.m. | ESPN
Eastern Washington at (20) Oregon State | 3 p.m. | Pac-12 Network
Louisiana Tech at (15) Oklahoma | 4 p.m. | PPV
Wyoming at (25) Nebraska | 5 p.m. | Big Ten Network/BTN2
New Mexico State at (19) Texas | 5 p.m. | Longhorn Network
(5) Georgia vs. (11) Clemson | Atlanta | ABC
(14) LSU vs. TCU | 6 p.m. | Dallas | ESPN
(18) Boise State at Washington | Fox Sports 1
(17) Northwestern at Cal | 7:30 p.m. | ESPN2

Sunday | Sept. 1
Ohio at (13) Louisville | 12:30 p.m. | ESPN

Monday | Sept. 2
(10) Florida State at Pittsburgh | 5 p.m. | ESPN


It’s college football season!  Let’s rock!


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