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Before the 1916 Game, Yale coach T.A.D. Jones inspired his players to victory when he unequivocally asserted, “Gentlemen, you are now going to play football against Harvard. Never again in your whole life will you do anything so important.” To many Duck fans this statement makes very real sense if you just exchange “Washington” for “Harvard.” Long before the end of the Colorado game, I was telling myself, “It’s Washington week. Don’t forget to breathe.”
Long way to Saturday
While I respect the Oregon way of seeing each opponent as a faceless entity to be knocked silly, this one is different for me. From the Husky wag who chanted “It just doesn’t matter” when we took a lead shortly before Don James’ crew knocked Chris Miller out of the game with the cheapest shot ever (prior to Boise State) to Captain Husky to Race Bannon, this is the week when stuff gets REAL! Last week we played Colorado. Next week we play Washington State. This week we play Evil Incarnate.
It’s no coincidence that this guy is carrying a “W” on a stick.
But breathe I must. As not everyone at fishduck.com/ barkfordogpoopyyoudirty- soandsos follows my line of thought that THIS is the ONE that COUNTS, I decided to find the lighter side of this Saturday’s contest. Much to my surprise there are aspects of the state of Washington that are fun and interesting as well as harmless . . . or at least I thought so.
1. The highest point in Washington is Mount Rainier. It was named after Peter Rainier, a British soldier who fought against the Americans in the Revolutionary War. Alright now, that just rips it! They’re traitors! Can you imagine what would have happened if I had started a new state and tried to call it Ho Chi Minh? What’s the matter with those people. Have they no shame?
2. The world’s first soft-serve ice cream machine was located in an Olympia Dairy Queen: Unbelievable! Type 2 diabetes has become an epidemic in this country and the fault lies squarely in the fat lap of Washington state. Our children are growing up lethargic, obese and without a clue, and it all stems from the carb loading DQ in Olympia. Those people make me LIVID!
3. The Lewis and Clark expedition entered Washington on October 10, 1805: Yeah I’ll just bet it did! Is that why it was called the OREGON TRAIL? The only reason Lewis OR Clark would have crossed the Columbia into your state would have been to build a privy! You glory-mongers make me SICK! Just have a seat and ponder your misshapen mountain named after an enemy of the state!
“Welcome to Oregon, Pioneer Families. You’ll want to stop at the Columbia River. North of that is just lunatics.”
4. By the turn of the 20th century, Aberdeen had the distinction of being “the roughest town west of the Mississippi” because of excessive gambling, violence, extreme drug use and prostitution (the city remained off-limits to military personnel into the early 1980s):
The state of the State of Washington.
What do you have to say for yourself, Washington? A town so evil that soldiers were told not to go there. No wonder . . . Oh, I just can’t talk about Rainier anymore. I’m too appalled by what I’ve learned. That malodorous smell that you experienced coming northbound through Camas? It’s not the paper mill. It’s the whole state rotting from the inside out.
5. In 1980, the northeast face of Mount St. Helens exploded outward, destroying a large part of the top of the volcano. They had an entire mountain attempt an escape to Idaho. A sign of topographical good taste, yes . . . but Idaho?
“How far to the border?”
Consider this a humanitarian plea from the good folks at fishduck.com. If you are a resident of the state of Washington and would like to repent, come on down. You won’t be judged for the mistakes of your past, just offered a new you in a land of Goodness and Light. Don’t tarry. Come down the freeway and give me your hand and Oregon your heart. We aren’t promised another day on this Earth. Answer the call that’s in your heart right now. You’ve heard the voice beckoning you to a brighter tomorrow in a better state. A state about which you needn’t be ashamed. You don’t have to have already given up your bad habits. Let us help you become the football fan that you were born to be. All you have to say is . . .
“Go Ducks!”
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Kim Hastings is a 1984 graduate of Northwest Christian College. He cut his journalistic teeth as sports editor of a paper in his home town of Fortuna, CA, and, later as a columnist for the Longview Daily News in Longview, WA.
He saw his first Oregon game in 1977 and never missed a home game from 1981 until a bout with pneumonia cut his streak short in 1997. He was one of the proud 3200 on a bitterly cold night in Shreveport, Louisiana in 1989 for the Independence Bowl, and continues to be big supporter of Oregon sports. He is an active participant on the various Oregon Ducks messageboards as “TacomaDuck.”