They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. That’s why FishDuck.com was so pleased when ESPN scheduled the ESPYs during the same week as our more prestigious award show. FishDuck.com’s crack staff and stable of high quality production assistants …
My production assistant.
… looked through the last year of sports highlights to find the best and the brightest.
Mariano Rivera
Then we remembered who we are and threw those away.
Straight news? Nonsense.
Instead we came up with the most ridiculous stories in sports over the past 12 months. Stories to make you wonder why sporting prowess seems not to be compatible with the sense to pour … liquid … out of a boot.
I say, old chum. There appears to be a noxious stench emanating from mine boot!
1. The Nut Behind the Wheel Award: Shortly after completing community service for being caught driving 97 in a 50 mile-per-hour zone, Yasiel Puig, the Cuban defector with a world of talent (and not a thimble worth of sense) doubled down. This time he was clocked at a cool 110 on a Florida turnpike. We were all taught by Charles Fischer himself when we came to work here … “If you do something wrong I never knew you.” Perhaps the Dodgers could offer that same advice to Puig. Oh, wait … he can hit.
Go Greased Lightning — You’re Burnin’ Up the Quarter Mile
2. The “I’ll Be Good – Really and Truly I Will” Award: The Cleveland Browns drafted the unquenchable Johnny Football during the 2014 draft. Knowing that their new quarterback (backup at that) had a world of baggage, the Browns asked only that he behave like a professional and keep his nose clean and out of the tabloids. Manziel readily agreed and stated that he only wanted to learn his craft toward helping the Browns to the playoffs. Shortly thereafter Manziel explained that, when he said he wanted to learn his craft, it was craft beer he had in mind. And when he said that he wanted to help the Browns he really meant that he wanted to hang with Floyd Mayweather and “The Biebs.” When Manziel eventually reported to mini-camp Browns Head Coach Mike Pettine reportedly said, “Yes, Mr. Football. We understand, Mr. Football.”
Don’t all second-string quarterbacks get wasted with Money Mayweather and The Biebs?
3. The “Good Touch Vs Bad Touch” Award: Oregon State University Rhodes Scholar Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson, in court for domestic violence, showed his appreciation for the job done by his attorney by slapping him on the rear end. The judge in the case, Kathleen McHugh, responded to the breach in courtroom decorum by sentencing Ochocinco to “Treinta” days in jail.
Good job, law-face.
4. The “Rescue Me” Award: Just to show that the nuts don’t fall too far from campus, last Tuesday night a Seattle man, (and University of Washington season ticket holder) burned his house to the ground while trying to kill a spider with spray paint and a lighter.
I have nothing to add to this but to say again “A University of Washington season ticket holder.”
Congratulations to all the winners. Go Ducks forever.
Top photo by commons.wikimedia.org
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Kim Hastings is a 1984 graduate of Northwest Christian College. He cut his journalistic teeth as sports editor of a paper in his home town of Fortuna, CA, and, later as a columnist for the Longview Daily News in Longview, WA.
He saw his first Oregon game in 1977 and never missed a home game from 1981 until a bout with pneumonia cut his streak short in 1997. He was one of the proud 3200 on a bitterly cold night in Shreveport, Louisiana in 1989 for the Independence Bowl, and continues to be big supporter of Oregon sports. He is an active participant on the various Oregon Ducks messageboards as “TacomaDuck.”