Boys and girls, fall camp has begun in the world of college football. This starts the official countdown until footballs are kicked off of tees and soccer is kicked back to Telemundo.
… and even some other guys.
We are here to bring you predictions for the upcoming season that you can take to the bank. Amaze friends and co-workers alike with this inside information. Be the go-to guy in your circle of friends. Trust me. You heard it here first. This is how the upcoming season will transpire.
1. Florida State Seminoles: It doesn’t take a soothsayer to know what is going to happen in Tallahassee. Heisman Trophy winner Jameis Winston is going to go on a crime spree. First it was crab legs. Next it will be lobster. Finally Winston will go after something really big in the world of seafood.
The big dope is going to kidnap Shamu.
He will be left in disgrace. FSU’s National Championship will be stripped from them and ESPN will declare the entire SEC to be champions in perpetuity.
BFF’s
Really … Forever
2. USC: It will start with something little. Maybe there will be graffiti on the walls of Heritage Hall. Perhaps the team bus will suffer a series of mechanical failures. Then the problems will ramp up a bit. Jerseys will be found in tatters on the floor at halftime of the opener. For a while no one will have any idea what is going on or who is responsible. Then the culprit will be brought to justice.
Nick Holt will be arrested. He will offer no defense … again.
3. Ohio State: theohiostateuniversity.wtf will come under scrutiny when the NCAA decides to crack down on unctuous bast***s.
Urban Meyer at the White House … preparing to move in.
4. University of Florida: The city of Gainesville and the entirety of Gator Nation will rejoice when it is discovered that Tim Tebow has 14 years of eligibility remaining. When asked how this could be possible, the erstwhile NFL place kick holder pointed to the sky … and levitated forthwith.
St. Timothy of the Everglades
5. Purdue: “Now what has poor Purdue done?” you may ask. To which I answer, “I don’t make the news. I just report it.” The West Lafayette, Indiana, chapter of Mothers Against Drunk Driving marched on the campus of Purdue University this week. MADD demanded that the school end it’s mascot association with alcohol
The Humble Boilermaker
And instead align itself with something more befitting the football team …
Here Come the Fighting Pansies!
That’s all for this week. One of my students is here for his weekly lesson in prediction and prognostication.
He’s learning so much from me!
Go Ducks!
Top photo by www.explain2012.com
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Kim Hastings is a 1984 graduate of Northwest Christian College. He cut his journalistic teeth as sports editor of a paper in his home town of Fortuna, CA, and, later as a columnist for the Longview Daily News in Longview, WA.
He saw his first Oregon game in 1977 and never missed a home game from 1981 until a bout with pneumonia cut his streak short in 1997. He was one of the proud 3200 on a bitterly cold night in Shreveport, Louisiana in 1989 for the Independence Bowl, and continues to be big supporter of Oregon sports. He is an active participant on the various Oregon Ducks messageboards as “TacomaDuck.”