Five Ways Colorado Beats the Ducks

Randy Morse FishWrap, FishWrap Archive

I know, I know. Oregon enters the Colorado game a 40+ point favorite. In fact there are some books in Vegas that won’t take any action at all on this contest. Ah, but you and I, savvy sports fans that we are, know that danger always lurks in the Pac-12 — even in games played in broad daylight, like tomorrow’s tilt at Autzen Stadium (“where it never snows”).

So I’ve carefully analyzed the available data, painstakingly studied hours of game film from both squads, looked carefully at historical trends and have arrived at the following five scenarios that could potentially make the boys at Odds Shark look like idiots and turn the college football landscape upside down. Here they are:

1. Buffalo Bill Cody’s ghost sneaks down from Golden, not far from the Coors brewery, spirits himself away in the Buffs’ luggage and haunts Ifo Ekree-Olomo to distraction, leading to 11 Nelson Spruce touchdown catches and a 55-54 Buffs victory.

It could happen…

2. Coach MacIntyre’s wish comes true: Marcus Mariota aggravates a tendon injury in his right big toe during warm-ups – initially damaged while cramming the gas pedal to the metal recently on Highway 126W near Veneta. Startled Ducks QB backup Jeff Lockie unexpectedly gets the start and throws nine interceptions in a 62-63 Duck loss.

Screenshot 2014-11-21 12.16.56

Speed kills…

3. A freak snowstorm hits Eugene at noon, dumping 46 inches on the playing field at Autzen by game time. The Buffs are used to playing in these conditions – it’s a little known fact that eccentric Colorado inventor Seymour Palladin invented snow in 1863. While most Duck players instantly begin pelting one another and the seven people in the stands who made the trip from Denver to cheer on Colorado with snowballs, the Buffs plow through the drifts with reckless abandon. By the time Oregon’s players remember why they’re in the stadium, the boys from Boulder have an insurmountable lead. They win, 72-71.

Typical Boulder weather

Typical Boulder weather.

4. Clearly depressed over the public revelation that the $2 million a year he earns leaves him a whopping $10,150 shy of Colorado head coach Mike MacIntyre’s salary (who has a 2-143 win-loss record over his coaching career), Ducks’ head honcho Mark Helfrich petulantly refuses to take the field, opting instead to go fishing in Coos Bay and contemplate the ignominy of it all. Nick Aliotti is persuaded by Phil Knight to come down from the press box and take over the reins just before kickoff. The Ducks’ deflated defense collapses and Oregon is bulldozed, 82-14.

The root of all evil.

The root of all evil.

5. Hell freezes over and the Buffs, as always, bring skates. Colorado wins, 96-0.

Boulder rush hour.

Boulder rush hour.


It’s Pac-12 football, baby. You never know.


Top photo courtesy of

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