The Tax Man Cometh . . . and is Subdued


The perks of working for are ridiculous.  I’m writing this from my timeshare week in Aspen, and its less than a month after this Super Bowl party:

I'm not allowed to identify this partier but it rhymes with "Gnarls Wisher."

I’m not allowed to identify this partier but it rhymes with “Gnarls Wisher.”

But there comes a time, every year, when we have to pay the piper for all of these perks.  When tax season rolls around free-lance writers take it up the . . .



And it takes some pretty creative accounting to get past the tax man without having to lay off one of my housekeepers.

And you know how I like a clean house

And you know how I like a clean house.

That’s why I decided to network with writers loosely connected to other university sports programs to see if they had any ideas for how to protect these assets:

Pam Sweet-Wilson, Writer for Buffalo Chips in Boulder:  “Have you seen a Colorado Buffalo football game since Rick Neuheisel took his guitar West?  Good grief! I deduct the cost of ESPN Gameplan as war crime reparations for the torture that I endure.”

Colorado fan in disguise, leaving Boulder for good

Colorado fan in disguise, leaving Boulder for good.

Kellen Sillanpaa, Writer for the Berkeley Frown:  ”Joe Kapp, Tom Holmoe, Jeff Tedford.  What more do you need to know?  I buy season tickets for Cal football, and throw them off the Golden Gate Bridge.  It’s all I can do not to follow them into the water.  As a Golden Bear fan I self-medicate, and deduct the cost on Schedule A of my 1040.”

Kellen's Pharmacy

Kellen’s Pharmacy

Janice Hilstad, Writer for Dawggie Style and Couture in Seattle:  ”Husky fans are perhaps the happiest people on the planet.  That’s because we have completely lost touch with reality.  Already in 2014 we have won our 7th consecutive off-season championship, hired a coach who passionately recruits Napoleon Dynamite’s home town and watched a once-proud basketball program go toe-to-toe with Guy Fieri’s Culinary School and Barber College.   As far as taxes are concerned, I just don’t file. Insanity knows no tax code.”

Guy Fieri's hoop teams aren't great, but the postgame spread is dynamite

Guy Fieri’s hoops teams aren’t great, but the postgame spread is dynamite.

Justin Beaver, Writer for the Corvallis Sheep Dip:  ”Did you know that a man who was diagnosed with gender-identity disorder (he felt he was a woman trapped in a male body) wanted to deduct almost $22,000 in out-of-pocket medical expenses for hormone therapy and sexual-reassignment surgeries.  The tax court decided his hormone therapy and the sex-change operation costs, in the amount of $14,500, was a qualified medical tax deduction.  Oregon State fans are taking this landmark decision to its logical conclusion.  It’s all been a big mistake.  We’re all really Duck fans trapped in a Beaver nightmare.”

The future home of Oregon State fans who have been repaired

The future home of Oregon State fans who have been repaired.

And I’m sure that Oregon fans everywhere will welcome them.  Poor dears.  Bless their hearts.


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Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings is a 1984 graduate of Northwest Christian College. He cut his journalistic teeth as sports editor of a paper in his home town of Fortuna, CA, and, later as a columnist for the Longview Daily News in Longview, WA. He saw his first Oregon game in 1977 and never missed a home game from 1981 until a bout with pneumonia cut his streak short in 1997. He was one of the proud 3200 on a bitterly cold night in Shreveport, Louisiana in 1989 for the Independence Bowl, and continues to be big supporter of Oregon sports. He is an active participant on the various Oregon Ducks messageboards as "TacomaDuck."