The Forced Secession of the State of Washington

washington-huskies

On Dec. 20, 1860, South Carolina, enraged by the election of Abraham Lincoln and the threat he represented to the slavers’ way of life, seceded from the Union. The Union and Confederacy fought a four-year battle to pin the country together. With the help of superior manpower and resources (not to mention the might of right), the Union won the Civil War.

Marching Through Georgia, like the Ducks would have as well if Georgia hadn't quailed.

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Marching through Georgia, like the Ducks would have as well if Georgia hadn’t quailed.

Since then there hasn’t been a single secession from the United States. That needs to change. The State of Washington, because of crimes against humanity, must be forced to withdraw from the United States.

And stay out!

openclipart.org

And stay out!

Washington lies! It’s what the people up there do! They lied about the origin of their name. The state wasn’t named after George Washington. It was named after Washington Pisarcik.

The inventor of the Porta Potty.

commons.wikimedia.org

The inventor of the Porta Potty.

They lied in their motto: “The Evergreen State.”

2/3 OF THE STATE ISN'T EVERGREEN!

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2/3 OF THE STATE ISN’T EVERGREEN!

They lied on their maps:

Everyone knows that Longview joined Oregon years ago and Port Angeles swore allegiance to the Crown so they wouldn't be associated with the Huskies. It was in all the papers.

netstate.com

Everyone knows that Longview joined Oregon years ago, and Port Angeles swore allegiance to the Crown so they wouldn’t be associated with the 0-12 Huskies. It was in all the papers.

Their Department of Licensing (that’s the place everyone else calls the D.M.V., but Washington has to be difficult) lied to me in July.

When has the DMV ever wanted anyone to be happy?

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When has the DMV ever wanted anyone to be happy?

For a long time I thought my opinion of Washington was colored by college football. But someone from FishDuck.com/itsallaboutthemangeanditalics told me the Ducks have won 10 in a row over the Huskies. That sounds like a lot. They must have been exaggerating.

Really? All the fingers? On both the hands? How can that be? They can ride boats to the game. Surely that counts for something.

www.learningwithsongs.com

Really? All the fingers? On both hands? How can that be? They can ride boats to the game. Surely that counts for something.

So it must not have anything to do with football. It must be about a dream I once had. The State of Washington declined to secede.

There is one other alternative.

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Leaving us with just one other alternative.

Go Ducks! If, God forbid, there was only one win on the schedule, let it be this one.

Top photo by malavenda.wordpress.com

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Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings

Kim Hastings is a 1984 graduate of Northwest Christian College. He cut his journalistic teeth as sports editor of a paper in his home town of Fortuna, CA, and, later as a columnist for the Longview Daily News in Longview, WA. He saw his first Oregon game in 1977 and never missed a home game from 1981 until a bout with pneumonia cut his streak short in 1997. He was one of the proud 3200 on a bitterly cold night in Shreveport, Louisiana in 1989 for the Independence Bowl, and continues to be big supporter of Oregon sports. He is an active participant on the various Oregon Ducks messageboards as "TacomaDuck."

  • DonealDuck

    I enjoy most of your writings, Kim. I have even written you to tell you how much I laughed at one.

    But I think the bomb pic is too much. It left a very bad taste in my mouth and gut. Just my opinion, but I think you switch something else in for it.

    Thank you for listening