Grief Counsel for Your Beaver

Kim Hastings FishWrap, FishWrap Archive Leave a Comment

With this week’s unceremonious ouster of Oregon State from the Pac-12 Basketball Tourney, the Ducks have once again plunged a knife into the soul of our friends from Corvallis.  I, for one, feel bad.  It must be hard to be a Beaver over the last, oh, 100 years.

Need some help with that rock, Sisyphus?  You got it?  Okay.

Need some help with that rock, Sisyphus? You got it? Okay.

Much is made of the fact that Oregon State’s Head Coach is the President’s brother-in-law.  One would think that such proximity to the Point Guard-in-Chief would have served OSU well in the gathering together of skillz.  Such has not been the case.

President Obama Recruiting two big men for Craig Robinson

President Obama Recruiting two Big Men for Craig Robinson

But everyone knows that the current state of the hoops union in Corvallis isn’t Craig Robinson’s fault.  No one since Slats Gill has been able to win there without treating the NCAA rule book like two-ply Charmin.

"All that payola and we still lose to Lamar.  I need a cigarette."

“All that payola and we still lose to Lamar. I need a cigarette.”

Not to mention, well, Corvallis.

Corvallis Real Estate Ad

Corvallis Real Estate Ad

You just can’t be a compassionate Ducks fan without feeling a little bad for an Oregon State fan.  That’s why I have decided to help.  Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, in her groundbreaking work “On Death and Dying,” gives us a starting point.  There are five stages of grief.  The faster a Beavers fan gets through the stages, the better chance he has for a fulfilling future.  Let’s get started:

Denial (stage one):  ”Things really aren’t so bad in Corvallis.  The program is poised for really great things next year.  Just a few breaks . . . balls bounce our way . . .”

Stage One

Stage One


Stage 2

Stage Two

Bargaining (stage three):  ”One time, Lord.  One time before I die.  Let me know what it feels like to be a Duck!  The style, the grace and, most of all, the winning!”

Stage Three

Stage Three

Depression (stage four):  ”Where is Daddy’s medicine?”

Stage Four

Stage Four

Acceptance (stage five):  ”I’m a Beaver.  I was born a Beaver.  I’ll die a Beaver.  My uncle and my Mama got into the corn likker and I’m a Beaver.”

Stage Five

Stage Five

So, tomorrow (Selection Sunday) when Ducks fans around the world are finding out where our team will be dancing in the month to come, remember the Beavers’ fan in your life.  He may be your brother-in-law.  He may be your cousin.  He’s likely the convenience store guy working the graveyard shift and making gas station coffee.  But whoever he is, be nice.  One screwed up chromosome and you might have been him.

Go Ducks!

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