The Five Greatest Ideas of All Time — or Not

Have you ever lain awake at night and thought of something that you had never thought of before?  It may have been an idea that no one had ever thought of before.  Then, when you got up in the morning you thought, “That was freakin’ STUPID!”

You felt like this guy, didn't you?

You felt like this guy, didn’t you?

But that’s okay, at least you didn’t let your idea take shape.  At least you let it go.  If only some of these folks below had your foresight.  But they didn’t.  To the people who had these ideas, the products they were about to reveal to the public, were some of the greatest ever:


What will it take to get you to drive this baby off the lot today?  Friend, I think you spilled my Tab during the test drive.

What will it take to get you to drive this baby off the lot today? Friend, I think you spilled my Tab during the test drive.

The AMC Pacer:  What???  In 1975, the country was just beginning to deal with the crisis of depleting fossil fuels and American Motors thought this thing into being?!  Shaped like Dee Andros, AM’s Pacer had the triple charms of being slow, bad on gas and ugly as the goiter on your grandma’s neck.  It was one of the primary causes leading to the demise of American Motors — and one of the reasons American Motors was not long lamented.


Thank you, Oakland!  Thank you very much!  Its one reason I'm a Giants' fan.

Thank you, Oakland! Thank you very much! It’s one reason I’m a Giants fan.

The Third Time Someone Did the “Wave”:  A brief history lesson.  ”The Wave” was first performed in 1981 at an American League playoff game between the Oakland A’s and the Baltimore Orioles [Ed. note: Video in the ABC Sports vault shows Crazy George trying to get the fans to stand up in sequence, simulating a “wave” as it spread from one section to another].

It was repeated later — and ultimately refined – by students at the University of Washington.  Fans in Oakland said “Meh,” and the Huskies, like in so many other cases (up-tempo offense, uniform combinations,  a stadium that looks like it belongs to the last 55 years), stole the idea and refused to give credit where it was due.  

First Oakland, then UW, then … everywhere.  By November of that year it was tired and played out.  The next time an offense jumps the snap count because fans in the end zone in front of them stand up and turn up the volume, a claim will come from Seattle that the fans in Huskie Stadium did it first.




RuPaul’s Drag Race:  When I first heard of this hot mess I thought, “Cool, Top Fuel drag racing and Funny Cars like on the Wide World of Sports from back in the day.”  Instead I got … this.  Okay, fool the American people once, shame on you.  Fool us twice, shame on us.  This monstrosity has been on the air for eight seasons now!


Can I get some of those there pills?  Thankyouverymuch

Can I get some of those there pills? Thankyouverymuch.

Elvis Presley as a Badged and Armed Special Drug Enforcement Agent for Richard Nixon:  I would have thought one needed the sense to pour rain water out of a boot to be hired for scheduling appointments at the White House.  But someone was asleep at the wheel on Dec. 21, 1970, when President Richard Nixon gave Elvis Presley a badge and named him to the drug enforcement arm of government.  This was bizarre behavior, even for Dick Nixon.  For Elvis it was one more delusional day in a string of many.  But it wasn’t the worst idea ever — That’s up next.


The Bride preparing to honeymoon in the DMZ

The Bride preparing to honeymoon in the DMZ.

North Korean Diplomacy Conducted by Dennis Rodman:  This one breaks the record for the number of bad ideas in one sentence.  North Korean Midget-in-Chief, Kim Jong-un, is a basketball fan.  So, in order to secure peace and normalized relations with North Korea, we send Dennis ‘Bats-as-all-Hell’ Rodman over there to have a sit-down.  Good God, people!

North Korean prisoners  are regularly subjected to horrible abuse, their citizens live under harsh and brutal economic conditions and rumor has it that “Dear Leader” is requesting mass haircuts in his honor and style.  (Generally the only place that the term “Dear Leader” is heard anymore is at re-education camp, um, orientation.)  In other words, North Korea is serious business and requires serious discussion.

So, what do we do?  We send Rodman who is known for rebounding, ejections from basketball courts, recreational drug use and marrying Madonna while in drag.  Better we send RuPaul.  Who, in a fever dream treated with a bottle of Captain Morgan, thought this was a good idea?

BFFs dictator-style

BFF’s, dictator-style.

So, the next time someone calls you a dummy, remember; none of these ideas were yours.

Do you want to hear a genuinely good idea?  College football’s regular season is starting again in 125 days.

Go Ducks!

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