Ducks Welcome a Rather Drab and Dingy Michigan State Squad

Kim Hastings FishWrap, FishWrap Archive Leave a Comment

That is not an insult. It’s really a compliment. I admire Michigan State University. The Merriam-Webster definition of Spartan is marked by simplicity, frugality or avoidance of luxury and comfort.“ And they take the definition seriously. The school motto, translated into English, means:

Translated means: East Lansing Doesn't Suck as Hard as Detroit But We'll Get There

Give our graduates a chance, and we’ll turn your town into Detroit.

See what I mean?

That’s what I call Spartan accomodations!

But Michiganders as a group of sports fans are to be admired. After all, they knew Sparky Anderson after he wasn’t good anymore.

“Hi I’m Sparky. I managed the Big Red Machine and then lost my mind.”

They also knew Nick Saban before he was any good:

“Hi, I’m Nick. I never coached against Oregon because I have only coached at Alabama. Trust me on that.”

… And Jim Schwartz, who couldn’t coach at all but can be forgiven since he operates under a physical handicap.

Few people realize that Schwartz and Jim Harbaugh are actually conjoined twins.

But the State of Michigan is a rich and diverse place. We at would like to welcome the Spartan fans and direct them to the nearest KOA Kampground. We wouldn’t want them to get too comfortable and lose their Spartan creed. Let’s learn a little bit about Michigan:

1. Standing anywhere in the state a person is within 85 miles of one of the Great Lakes. And likely within a foot or two of another of nature’s wonders.

This is Michigan's version of "Welcome to Oregon. Enjoy Your Stay"

This is Michigan’s version of “Welcome to Oregon. Enjoy Your Stay.”

 2. The Detroit Zoo was the first zoo in America to feature cage-less, open exhibits that allowed the animals more freedom to roam. It was like a safari right here in the middle of the United States.

Most folks enjoy their trip to the Detroit Zoo. Alas, Mona Fassbender didn’t.

3. Colon, Michigan, is home to the world’s largest manufacture of magic supplies. Even the weather is magic in this town. When the wind blows they call it a:

I love the smell of colon in the morning. Smells like...victory

I love the smell of colon in the morning. Smells like … victory.

 4. Singing sand can be found on the beaches of Grand Haven. I found this one hard to believe. So I decided that I couldn’t talk about it unless I saw it for myself. I hitched a ride on the jet and lo and behold, upon my honor as a Duck fan of long-standing reputation, the Grand Haven, Michigan, sand actually sang to me.

And a lovely tune it was, don't you know?

And a lovely tune it was, don’t ya know?

Finally, we would like to sincerely welcome the Michigan State fans who are coming to Oregon for the game. We hope you find the weather to your liking, the city to your satisfaction and the cheerleaders … well, we don’t need to worry about them.

You'll be just fine with Oregon Cheer

You’ll be just fine with a large dose of Oregon Cheer.

But here is something a little special for Oregon and Michigan State fans alike who are going to have to watch the game from home. Since:

a. The game is going to be the anchor for ESPN Game Day and …

b.  A recent survey showed that 47 percent of our readership is female …

We offer, as a special gift:


Go Ducks!

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