The Stanford You Never Knew

Kim Hastings FishWrap, FishWrap Archive Leave a Comment

The Stanford Cardinal come to Autzen Stadium this week, in search of their third consecutive victory over our Oregon Ducks. is, of course, not willing to take that lying down. So we dug up some interesting information. Some of it is true. Some of it is rumors. Some of it was dreamed by Charles Fischer when he got into the ouzo on Columbus Day.

Charles likes to cannonball ouzo and then try to hang signs. I don't judge. Everyone needs a hobby.

Charles likes to cannonball ouzo and then try to hang signs. I don’t judge. Everyone needs a hobby.

Stanford was established in 1885 by Leland Stanford. He started the school for two reasons. As a child, little Leland’s resemblance to a baby gorilla got him beat up a lot. He thought having an offensive and defensive line around would keep him safe.

"I say, old girl. I know newborn's can get off to a dicey start, but doesn't Lee look a little...simian?"

“I say, old girl. I know newborns can get off to a dicey start, but doesn’t Lee look a little … simian?”

The second reason for the establishment of Stanford University has been kept out of the public for most of the 119-year history of the school. Only’s crack staff has brought the unseemly story to light. The truth is, and I must be my usual delicate self here, Leland Stanford, a devout Catholic, was assigned penance for unfortunate incidents involving farm animals that later needed therapy. Stanford’s end-life case of cross-species syphilis is perhaps explained.

HI...Bessie. Do you like my new gloves? Would you like to take in a movie sometime?

Hi … Bessie. Do you like my new gloves? Would you like to take in a movie sometime?

I know! We were just as shocked as you are!

One of the first decisions a school has to make involves the selection of school colors. Often the colors have to do with the surroundings. Oregon’s green and yellow depicts the green of the fields and the forest, along with the optimism associated with the color yellow.

Arizona State’s colors bring to mind the sun in desert twilight. UCLA invokes the colors of the ocean in their scheme. That’s how it normally works. Leland Stanford picked red and white because they were the favorite colors of his hero.

Vladimir Lenin

Vladimir Lenin

Originally, Stanford was called the “Indians.” When that fell out of favor, a new nickname was required. The word “Cardinal” was found in some storage trunks at the Leland Stanford estate. I sent the’spersons’ crack staff to investigate this “Citizen Kane Rosebud”-like mystery.









Maybe a little dancing after the movie? You're sure pretty

Maybe a little dancing after the movie? You’re sure pretty.

Lately, of course, times have been good for the Cardinal. From Andrew Luck’s incredible neck-beard …

Look in the dictionary under hirsute.

Look in the dictionary under “hirsute.”

… to David Shaw’s shiny pate …

Look in the dictionary under not hirsute.

Look in the dictionary under “not hirsute.”

… Stanford has been a thorn in Oregon’s side for just about long enough. So, to the Ducks of Oregon I say this: On behalf of Ducks fans old and young, as well as on behalf of those poor animals that never knew what hit them …

Go Ducks!

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