Bizarre, Thy Name is Utah

Kim Hastings FishWrap, FishWrap Archive

The Ducks travel to Utah this week for a key Pac-12 match-up with the Runnin’ Utes. has a great deal of respect for what Utah has accomplished since they arrived in the Pac-12. After all, their 12-20 conference record since joining the Pac-12 is exceeded only by, well, almost everyone … but good try anyway!

Um, sweetie, that's 12 wins against...never mind. Good Job!

Um, sweetie, that’s 12 wins against … never mind. Good job! thought it would be nice to learn a little more about the Great State of Utah in preparation for Saturday’s game.

We're off to a good start. It is ubfair and flase for people to say the speed limit is so high because people can't get out of Utah fast enough.

We’re off to a good start. It is unfair and false for people to say the speed limit is so high because people can’t get out of Utah fast enough. That’s only true of Ogden … and Logan … and Spanish Fork … and Park City … and …

First, a little history. Everyone knows Utah was settled by Brigham Young when he brought his band of followers West from Nauvoo, Illinois. It was Mr. Young’s intention to go to California, but he stopped just West of the Wasatch Range when he had a vision.

"Forsooth, Mrs. Youngs. Yonder lake smells foul and repulsive. Let us make for ourselves a home on it's noxious shores."

“Forsooth, this is providential, Mrs. Young. Yonder lake smells foul and repulsive. Let us make for ourselves a home on its noxious shores.”

And so they did. Utah became home to over three million people. It became a land where family was the foundation of life.

Family values

Here are some family values.

It also became a land of the law. But here is where becomes perplexed. Some of those laws turned out to be … curious. For example, actual state laws for Utah include:

1. Whale Hunting is Illegal in Utah: A whale couldn’t get within 1,000 miles of the Great Salt Lake, but I suppose it is a good thing the law is in place.

"The pod said turn West at Catalina Island, didn't they?"

“The pod said turn east at Catalina Island, right?”

2. It is Unlawful to Perform a Rain Dance Without a Permit: Actually, this law is probably in place in Oregon as well. Because everyone knows:

It never rains at Autzen Stadium

It never rains at Autzen Stadium.

3. It is Illegal to Cause a Catastrophe in the State of Utah:  Uh oh.

Clive Staples

One major catastrophe coming up, Utes!

4. It is Illegal to Have Sexual Consort with the Milkman: 

I got yer 1%, yer 2%, yer half and half and more. Just tell me we aren't in Utah.

I got yer one percent, yer two percent, yer half and half and more. Just tell me we aren’t in Utah.

But the most important law in the whole state this week is this:

5. Don’t Interrupt the Duck When He Drops 150 Push-ups on Your Behind:

At least.

At least.

Go Ducks!

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