Double Secret Ploys to Beat Arizona

Kim Hastings FishWrap, FishWrap Archive 0 Comments

Hello, Ducks! You neither need nor want me to remind you of some recent history. Our Ducks, more talented by half than our opponent, have gotten waxed twice in a row by the Arizona Wildcats. When Duck fans heard the news that the Conference Championship Game was to be played against Arizona, one of two responses occurred.



My personal response.

My personal response.

But I have had a few days to think about it, and I believe there are measures the Ducks can take to turn the tide on Rich-Rod and his pesky Wildcats.

1. Bring Obvious Rules Infractions to the Attention of the Officials: I watched some game film from this year’s game and noticed something that escaped the attention of the officiating crew. Arizona was in a 3-3-5-17-62-124 defense that night.

Doubtless, a penalty should have been called.

Doubtless, a penalty should have been called.

2. Revisit the Whole “Bear Down” Thing: I did some exhaustive research into “Bear Down.” Arizona takes its slogan from some coach or assistant coach or maybe no coach at all who said: “Bear Down. When the going gets tough you’ll go inside, outside, inside outside, win one for the Gipper, Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!” Whoever said it had a bad cold that turned into a nasty sinus infection. He took some penicillin and got better in about a week. Very inspiring.

Let's counsel the Wildcat fans to adopt a new, more peaceable, slogan.

Let’s counsel the Wildcat fans to adopt a new, more peaceable slogan.

3. The Game is to Be Played in the Bay Area: Someone should make sure the Wildcats are a little unsure of the location.

Welcome to Candlestick Park. Bear down all you want.

Welcome to Candlestick Park. Bear down.

4. Enlist Help: My mom always said I should ask for help if I faced a difficult task. Of course, she also suggested I should eat peas. But this time she may have been right. Let’s offer an incentive to some folks who don’t have anything important to do.

Oregon State isn't doing anything this weekend.

Oregon State isn’t doing anything this weekend.

Gentlemen, the fate of the free world is on your shoulders. Alabama and its insufferable head coach, Florida State and its felonious quarterback, and one of the few colleges owning a more puzzling mascot than “Ducks” await us. But I think it has something to do with lusty toads. NEUTER THE ‘CATS!

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