Good morning, Ducks! My boss at FishDuck.com likes to say, “What a great time to be writing about our beloved Ducks.” We usually nod in agreement, because disagreeing with our boss doesn’t always end so well.
“Thank you, Charles; may I have another?”
But I’ll be darned if he isn’t right this time. Over the last few years the Ducks have enjoyed unparalleled success. We’re going to welcome the likeness of John Heisman into our family in a couple of days …
Welcome, sir. Your gracious presence only enhances our amazing university.
… and we are about to play Florida State in the semifinals of the College Football Playoffs. It is a great time to be a Duck!
But many Duck fans thirst for knowledge and want to learn about the teams in the playoffs. Toward that end, we are here for you. FishDuck.com spares no expense in the Research and Development Department. Our staff scoured the countryside finding out what there is to know about all four teams that, come January, will vie for the title.
1. Florida State University: Located in Tallahassee, a city with a motto of “Most of Florida thinks we’re in Georgia, but Georgia said ‘No.'” FSU boasts a student body of 40,838 poor souls. Primary majors at FSU include remedial science, woodworking and having to go back to Tallahassee Community College. Florida State is on land that once belonged to Native Americans. It is only fitting that they stole the land on which they sit. They stole their song and “Chop” from the Atlanta Braves and the Kansas City Chiefs.
Those shirts are neither garnet nor gold, Sparky.
Florida State is coached by Jimbo Fisher. Coach Fisher criticized Oregon for having lost a game “while being favored by 22.” Since coaches are generally loathe to talk point spreads; we can only assume Fisher shares a bookie with his quarterback.
2. University of Alabama: Located in Tuscaloosa, a city whose motto is “Hey Tallahassee! Georgia won’t take us either,” Alabama boasts a student body of 34,852 students the last time they put their abacus to work and counted. Primary majors at Alabama include butchering the English language, butchering the civil rights movement and butchering hogs.
Alabama is coached by the loathsome Nick Saban. Saban told the Dolphins he wasn’t going to Alabama, told the rules committee they should outlaw the hurry-up offense and told recruits’ parents their kids will get an education. They will, as long as they are into …
… butchery.
3. Ohio State University: This college is located in Columbus, a city with the following motto: “We named our town after the guy who brought syphilis to the Americas. And the natives think they were jobbed by Tallahassee.” Ohio State boasts a student body of 57,466 people. I looked for areas of major but all that comes up is, “The guy who dots the ‘I’ does pretty well for himself with the ladies.” Fair enough.
Don’t pull anything, fella. Some ladies are waitin’ on ya.
Ohio State is coached by the equally loathsome Urban (Please tell me he has a brother named Rural; please, I beg of you.) Meyer. When Urban Meyer was at Florida, he developed a medical condition … immediately after the departure of Heisman award winner Tim Tebow. His team is good this year. So, apparently, is his health.
Ohio State has a certain conceit that gets under the skin of … well, everybody. Let me help them out with their social skills:
There you go, Buckeyes. No need for “the” at the beginning. Penn State’s school name starts with “the” also. You DO NOT want to be compared unfavorably to Penn State.
4. University of Oregon: U of O is located in Eugene. This is the city’s motto: “We’re almost as far away as you can get from Georgia. Note the pleasant aroma.” The University of Oregon boasts a student body of 24,181 students. Primary majors at Oregon include applied sciences, computer programming, sports marketing and world domination. The University of Oregon was founded in 1876. In 1881, the dean of Harvard College declared his little school “the Oregon of the East.” Why it took five years was a mystery.
A random average picture of typical Oregon coeds.
The Ducks are coached by the likable Mark Helfrich. A native Oregonian, Helfrich enjoys his job, doesn’t play the ponies with his quarterback, stays healthy even when we lose and doesn’t lie to the Dolphins about anything. If ethics counts, the Ducks are already up by 14 the next two games.
FishDuck.com would like to congratulate Marcus Mariota on winning the Heisman. I know the announcement isn’t until Saturday, but Jimbo Fisher told me Mariota is a huge favorite at illegal offshore books. That’s good enough for me.
Marcus, you rock the world of every right-thinking Oregonian … and a few of the Beavers as well! Good job! Go Ducks!
Top photo by www.midwestsportsfans.com
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Kim Hastings is a 1984 graduate of Northwest Christian College. He cut his journalistic teeth as sports editor of a paper in his home town of Fortuna, CA, and, later as a columnist for the Longview Daily News in Longview, WA.
He saw his first Oregon game in 1977 and never missed a home game from 1981 until a bout with pneumonia cut his streak short in 1997. He was one of the proud 3200 on a bitterly cold night in Shreveport, Louisiana in 1989 for the Independence Bowl, and continues to be big supporter of Oregon sports. He is an active participant on the various Oregon Ducks messageboards as “TacomaDuck.”