Breaking News! FishDuck Discovers Unsavory Facts About Ohio

Kim Hastings FishWrap, FishWrap Archive 1 Comment

Ladies and gentlemen, the facts, simply stated, are these: If the Ducks win the National Championship Game next week I can …

Having been a Duck fan since the late 70’s …

That's a thousand yard stare, my friend. and we aren't talking passing yards.

flickr.com

That’s a 1,000-yard stare, my friend. And we aren’t talking passing yards.

… and living among mangy Huskies since 1991 …

I looked for a picture of Washington beating us at something to illustrate how hard it is to live here. But no such pictures exist. Here is a pretty rose to look at.

flickr.com

I looked for a picture of Washington beating us at something to illustrate how hard it is to live here. But no such pictures exist. Here is a picture of a pretty rose to remind you of the BUTT-WHIPPING we gave Florida State!

… by golly, I deserve a national championship! But it isn’t enough that I deserve a Natty and that you do as well. FishDuck.com spared no expense to prove that not only do we deserve to win, but also that Ohio most certainly DOES NOT!

1. The first ambulance service was established in Cincinnati. It was immediately dispatched to the Gator Bowl to pick up poor Charlie Bauman.

2. Seven U.S. presidents were born in Ohio: Ulysses S. Grant, Rutherford B. Hayes, James A. Garfield, Benjamin Harrison, William McKinley, William H. Taft and Warren G. Harding.

Let’s see. A drunk, a slob, a lout, a glutton, a guy who attacked the Philippines for no good reason, another glutton and the author of the Teapot Dome Scandal. Why don’t you people from Ohio just forfeit right now? This is getting embarrassing.

Yes, Sweetie. You're from Ohio...and in my prayers because of it.

flickr.com

Yes, Sweetie. You’re from Ohio … and in my prayers because of it.

3. Akron is the rubber capital of the world. 

Way to be, Akron! What would we do without this kind of humor?

en.wikipedia.org

Way to be, Akron! What would we do without this kind of humor?

4. Ohio’s state flag is a pennant design. Probably a good idea. As the home of the Indians and Reds it will be a long time before Ohioans see any other kind of pennant.

Cleveland Indians logo and letter grade.

commons.wikimedia.org

Cleveland Indians logo and letter grade.

5. Charles Goodyear of Akron developed the process of vulcanizing rubber in 1839. So Chucklehead Goodyear is to blame for this.

Live long and prepare to get rolled by the Ducks!

en.wikipedia.org

Live long and prepare to get rolled by the Ducks!

But the biggest reason we deserve to win the National Championship Game on Monday and Ohio State doesn’t …

Because a coaching legend and all around sage philosopher, friend to the down-trodden, philanthropist and just this far short of a saint would have it be so.

en.wikipedia.org

Because a coaching legend and all-around sage, philosopher, friend to the down-trodden, philanthropist and just this far short of a saint would have it be so.

 Go Ducks! And I mean that!

Top photo by www.public-domain-image.com

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Baloney.
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Easy-Peasy!