*Disclaimer. This column, like all of my columns, is made in jest. (Except the stuff about the Beavers and Huskies. I mean all of that.) In this week’s installment, I suggest engaging in some activities that would KILL YOU DEAD if you actually did them. Please don’t!*
Super Bowl XLIX will be played tomorrow. That’s a good thing, because it means Super Bowl XLIX will be over tomorrow.
“The Academy Award for ‘Face Most in Need of a Good Slapping’ goes to … “
“The Academy Award for ‘Face Looking Most Like It’s Been Slapped’ goes to … “
Truth told, Super Bowl XLIX is the first Super Bowl in a long time that I wish both teams could lose. Marshawn Lynch is a petulant jerk, Tom Brady probably ordered an equipment manager to flatten his balls, and Seattle fans have become what Husky fans used to be. But that was prior to UW merging with a jeans manufacturer and giving up football.
It was inevitable after Nick Holt left.
But FishDuck.com, your go-to for all things sports, knows our responsibility to you. We know many of you have given up your jobs so you don’t miss anything from Alex Kirby or Omar Garibay.
And we appreciate it.
We know in what high esteem you hold Charles Fischer.
Charles is truly touched. He told me on the cruise to Hawaii.
So we are putting aside our disdain for the Pats and Hawks. After all, the Super Bowl is more than about which of the NFL’s two biggest cheaters gets to take home the big prize. The Super Bowl is also about:
Drinking!
The 2015 FishDuck.com Super Bowl Drinking Game:
1. A Shot of Tequila When Someone Says “The Legion of Boom.” Pretty soon you won’t notice the LOB is holding on every play.
Richard Sherman reliving his days in Compton by mugging an unsuspecting wide receiver.
2. Cannonball a Black IPA When an Oregon Player is Shown on the Screen. This should get you wasted pretty quickly. Oregon has more starters in Super Bowl XLIX than any other school. As it should be.
Max Unger hasn’t seen so many Ducks since the last time we knocked Oregon State around his senior year.
3. A Jack and Coke When Someone Calls Russell Wilson “Cerebral.”
Wilson just finished picking the Rose Bowl turf out of his cerebral cortex from the whacking Kiko Alonso gave him.
4. In honor of legalization in just a few months … Fire Up a Big Ole’ Fatty When LaGarrette Blount Runs for Any Amount of Yards Divisible into 420.
Warning! Math may be tricky at this point in your day.
5. If Seattle Wins, Have a Fruity Drink Because Tom Brady Still Gets to Go Home to:
Her …
6. If New England Wins, Have a Screwdriver:
In honor of what Pete Carroll always says when he loses.
Pete, offering a surprising amount of intimacy to Mike Belloti when the Ducks WHIPPED HIS TROJANS!
Go Ducks of all gender as they prepare to embark on a season of balls, both soft and hard.
Top photo by www.youtube.com
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Kim Hastings is a 1984 graduate of Northwest Christian College. He cut his journalistic teeth as sports editor of a paper in his home town of Fortuna, CA, and, later as a columnist for the Longview Daily News in Longview, WA.
He saw his first Oregon game in 1977 and never missed a home game from 1981 until a bout with pneumonia cut his streak short in 1997. He was one of the proud 3200 on a bitterly cold night in Shreveport, Louisiana in 1989 for the Independence Bowl, and continues to be big supporter of Oregon sports. He is an active participant on the various Oregon Ducks messageboards as “TacomaDuck.”