The Five Stages of FishDuck Grief

Kim Hastings FishWrap, FishWrap Archive Leave a Comment

I am an old man. As an old man, I have the right, nay the responsibility, to take losses hard. After all, there are fewer victories in my future than in the future of, for example, my editor.

This is not a picture of my editor. This is a picture of how old my editor looks to me now that I have a “good ear” and a “bad ear.”

This discussion of my age explains, in part, my reaction to our loss against Ohio State the other night. I can only imagine how Charles Fischer took the loss, as he is older than me.

Charles Fischer

How hard did I take the trip to the woodshed administered by the only Oregon State University that counts?

Not well.

Not well.

So I went to an expert on loss and the aftermath thereof. Famed author Elizabeth Kubler-Ross from Friends helped me work through it with “The 5 Stages of Grief.”

1. Denial: Good teams who win the turnover battle by four T.O.s don’t lose games.

That statistic matters not so much if the other team's quarterback comes from the city-eating lizard family.

That statistic matters not so much if the other team’s quarterback comes from the city eating lizard family.

2. Anger: “Since we seem to be unable to hit anyone in uniform, I hope someone lays Urban Meyer out!”

I can’t say I’m proud of this one, but we’re being honest here.

3. Bargaining: “Dear Lord, if you could help us get a third down stop I will declare my swag on my income taxes.”

Line 77: Subsection 44b. Did you receive either aircraft or ocean-going vessels as part of wages for work performed during the 2014 tax year?” Yes.

4. Depression: “Balls.”

We lost. Good did not triumph o'er evil. My gray head will be bent forever as my neck rebels against the weight of untold grief, and I will never leave my house again."

We lost. Good did not triumph o’er evil. My gray head will be bent forever as my neck rebels against the weight of untold grief. I will never leave my house again.

5. Acceptance: Though we may never sip from the cup of the national championship trophy, we are nevertheless the Ducks of the University of Oregon. As such we are blessed to share our allegiance with the finest and most knowledgeable fan base in the land, and probably the most exciting team to appear on the gridirons of American football. Each fall our hope will renew and our fervor will re-ignite. Why? Because we’re the Ducks!

Da-da-da-da-DA! Go Ducks go!

Da-da-da-da-DA! Fight Ducks fight!

Da-da-dada GO!

Da-da-dada FIGHT!


I've been to Columbus. They've got bupkus to match this place. Oops, sorry. Acceptance.

I’ve been to Columbus. They’ve got bupkus to match this place. Oops, sorry. Acceptance.

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