Surprising Fifth-Year Transfers Around the League

Kim Hastings FishWrap, FishWrap Archive Leave a Comment

With the arrival of Vernon Adams and now Matt Hegarty, our Ducks have shored up some potential weak spots going into the coming season. FishDuck.com sent me the following memo from the home office in Cancun:

Find out what other schools are doing with respect to fifth-year seniors. And stop submitting expense account vouchers for “The Girls of the Pac-10” on Pay-Per-View. FishDuck

Some people have no respect for research.

But I found that a number of schools are making inroads in the fifth-year player transfer program. Always looking for a player who can fit into the culture of the school, recruiters have uncovered some gems.

Outside Linebacker Mitch McNutt, University of Colorado: Distant nephew of former head coach Houston Nutt, Mitch matriculated at College of the Siskiyous before graduating with an undergraduate degree in urology from Ball State. He is expected to shore up the Buffaloes’ linebacking corps as an edge-rusher. After college, he intends to attend medical school before opening a private practice in his hometown of Pe Ell, Washington.

Welcome to Boulders, er, Boulder, young man.

www.comicbookmovie.com

Welcome to Boulders, er, Boulder, young man.

Strong Safety Hector Massmurder, University of Washington: Think about it. A child in the 7th grade has never known a victory over the Ducks. But what about the dogs? The Huskies’ losing streak to Oregon has reached the life expectancy of the very Huskies who drool on the sidelines at Montlake.

So, desperation has come to this. Massmurder has been thrown off more teams than Richie Incognito. His rap sheet includes felony assault and misdemeanor mayhem from the time he shivved a fellow preschooler over a heated game of Duck, Duck, Goose.

Welcome to Seattle, Hector. You’ll fit right in.

We have heard that Hope Solo likes the cut of this guy's jib.

imgarcade.com

We have heard Hope Solo likes the cut of this guy’s jib.

Wide Receiver Alejandro Whiskermuch, Oregon State College: The Beavers are taking advantage of the fifth-year transfer rule, as well. At FishDuck.com/giggleatosu, we are pleased to have discovered Corvallis’ newest superstar is actually a 74-year old barber from Tangent. When asked if he can help Oregon State’s woeful lack of team speed, Mr. Whiskermuch told us, “I’ve been known to get the Nash up to almost 40 on the 99E through Halsey.”

Another diamond in the rough for OSU.

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Another diamond in the rough for OSU.

But perhaps the most exciting news to come out of the fifth-year transfer program is still to become public knowledge. The University of Oregon will not rest in its dogged pursuit of the best and brightest. Chuck’s Goons, a wholly-owned shadow operation of FishDuck.com is breaking news for you this very day.

Free Safety Glenn “Zoom” Taylor, University of Oregon: 

Got speed?

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Got speed?

Go Ducks!

Top photo by pac-12.com

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