Upon Further Review: Re-Branding the Pac-12

Jon Joseph Editorials

From the Pac-12’s “Taj Mahal Palace” in San Francisco, large-living Larry “Spendthrift” Scott has reached out to me to seek my advice on how to re-brand the conference. No surprise, as this is completely consistent with Scott’s other cogent business decisions.

Ernie Abrea

The Ducks did win a bowl game in California, just as predicted!

He just sent a big check to my consulting firm, better known as “JJ’s Crystal Ball Enterprises” (JJCBE). Apparently, he forgot about the firm’s most recent flop: it incorrectly predicted that the Ducks would go to the Rose Bowl this past season. (In fairness, the Crystal Ball did pick the correct state for the site of the Ducks’ 2018 bowl game).

This time around, though, Scott generously offered JJCBE 50 cents and a six pack of Dr. Pepper to join the re-branding effort.

I said, “Hell no! We demand a case of Dr. Pepper!” But JJCBE overruled me …

In the unlikely event that Scott does not make JJCBE’s work available to the public at large, I have decided, on behalf of JJCBE, to violate the Privacy/Proprietary clause of the Consulting Agreement. I am doing so despite the fact that it will put my position within the firm and my financial status in serious jeopardy.

(The Crystal Ball and I undertake this risk only with the indemnity of Mr. FishDuck in hand, holding yours truly and JJCBE harmless against any attacks, legal or otherwise, that may be launched from the Taj.)

In order to bring the conference in line with current on-field results, our re-branding effort begins with new mascots and monikers for every Pac-12 team.

The NEW Pac-12

The Arizona Sumbags” – I believe there was a time when Kevin Sumlin could both recruit and coach up a QB …

From Video

Larry Scott

The Arizona State Hermaphrodites” – You (occasionally) play to win the game!

The Cal Tarnished Cubbies” – I’m not certain that Cal’s QBs threw an incomplete pass in the Cactus Bowl. I do know that seven of the throws went to Frogs dressed in purple, however.

The Colorado Down-Hillers” – Once ski season starts, Ralphie heads down slope.

The Oregon Recently Relevant” – Playoffs? Playoffs!

The Oregon State ”Sloths” – And the Beavers’ defense should be called “The Olés”!

The Stanford Smarties” – Our SAT scores are better than your SAT scores!

The UCLA Homeless” – Dionne Warwick asks, “Do you know the way from Westwood to Pasadena? That’s where we play.”

The USC Flounders” — “I’ve given this name a lot of thought.” -Senator Bluto Blutarsky.

The Utah Offensively Challenged” — “Coach, what do you think about the execution of the offense?” “I’m all in favor of it.”  –John McKay

The Washington OKG Three-Star Flame-outs” – We coach our kids up! (Except when we play the B1G and the SEC.)

The Washington State Rotten Apples” – How can a dog ground an “Air Raid”?

From the headquarters of JJCBE in beautiful downtown Tijuana (can’t afford the rent in the “415”), the Ball and I wish all of you “Peace out” and remind you take comfort in the fact that, like Ice Ages, college football is cyclical.

In less than 6,000 years, top-level college ball in the Pac-12 will be back!

Jon Joseph
Georgetown, Texas                                                                                                          Top Photo From Video

 

Andrew Mueller, the FishDuck.com Volunteer Editor for this article, works in digital marketing in Chicago, Illinois.

 

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

The Comments Below are CLOSED, as we are moving to the OUR BELOVED DUCKS Forum!

Comments below articles are now closed as we have moved all conversation over to the free Our Beloved Ducks Forum. It has been a big success already with many more posts than what we could fit into the comments below articles.

The Our Beloved Ducks Forum is where we we discuss the article above and many more topics, as it is so much easier in a message board format over there.  At the free OBD forum we will be posting Oregon Sports article links, the daily Press Releases from the Athletic Department and the news coming out every day.

Be a part of the forum and stay caught up!  When you wish to post there, do know that you are protected just as you were on FishDuck. Join us on the free forum right here!

Our 33 rules at the free OBD Forum can be summarized to this: 1) be polite and respectful, 2) keep it clean, and 3) no reference of any kind to politics. Easy-peasy!

OBD Forum members….we got your back.  No Trolls Allowed!