From the Pac-12’s “Taj Mahal Palace” in San Francisco, large-living Larry “Spendthrift” Scott has reached out to me to seek my advice on how to re-brand the conference. No surprise, as this is completely consistent with Scott’s other cogent business decisions.
He just sent a big check to my consulting firm, better known as “JJ’s Crystal Ball Enterprises” (JJCBE). Apparently, he forgot about the firm’s most recent flop: it incorrectly predicted that the Ducks would go to the Rose Bowl this past season. (In fairness, the Crystal Ball did pick the correct state for the site of the Ducks’ 2018 bowl game).
This time around, though, Scott generously offered JJCBE 50 cents and a six pack of Dr. Pepper to join the re-branding effort.
I said, “Hell no! We demand a case of Dr. Pepper!” But JJCBE overruled me …
In the unlikely event that Scott does not make JJCBE’s work available to the public at large, I have decided, on behalf of JJCBE, to violate the Privacy/Proprietary clause of the Consulting Agreement. I am doing so despite the fact that it will put my position within the firm and my financial status in serious jeopardy.
(The Crystal Ball and I undertake this risk only with the indemnity of Mr. FishDuck in hand, holding yours truly and JJCBE harmless against any attacks, legal or otherwise, that may be launched from the Taj.)
In order to bring the conference in line with current on-field results, our re-branding effort begins with new mascots and monikers for every Pac-12 team.
The NEW Pac-12
The Arizona “Sumbags” – I believe there was a time when Kevin Sumlin could both recruit and coach up a QB …
The Arizona State “Hermaphrodites” – You (occasionally) play to win the game!
The Cal “Tarnished Cubbies” – I’m not certain that Cal’s QBs threw an incomplete pass in the Cactus Bowl. I do know that seven of the throws went to Frogs dressed in purple, however.
The Colorado “Down-Hillers” – Once ski season starts, Ralphie heads down slope.
The Oregon “Recently Relevant” – Playoffs? Playoffs!
The Oregon State ”Sloths” – And the Beavers’ defense should be called “The Olés”!
The Stanford “Smarties” – Our SAT scores are better than your SAT scores!
The UCLA “Homeless” – Dionne Warwick asks, “Do you know the way from Westwood to Pasadena? That’s where we play.”
The USC “Flounders” — “I’ve given this name a lot of thought.” -Senator Bluto Blutarsky.
The Utah “Offensively Challenged” — “Coach, what do you think about the execution of the offense?” “I’m all in favor of it.” –John McKay
The Washington “OKG Three-Star Flame-outs” – We coach our kids up! (Except when we play the B1G and the SEC.)
The Washington State “Rotten Apples” – How can a dog ground an “Air Raid”?
From the headquarters of JJCBE in beautiful downtown Tijuana (can’t afford the rent in the “415”), the Ball and I wish all of you “Peace out” and remind you take comfort in the fact that, like Ice Ages, college football is cyclical.
In less than 6,000 years, top-level college ball in the Pac-12 will be back!
Georgetown, Texas Top Photo From Video
Andrew Mueller, the FishDuck.com Volunteer Editor for this article, works in digital marketing in Chicago, Illinois.
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