The Pac-12 Conference (Call): Can We Get a Ticket to the Dance?

Jon Joseph Editorials

Help me, information, get in touch

With Bill Hancock, please.

His phone is always busy

Talkin’ with Dabo Swinney.

I cannot read the number,

Nick Saban took the call,

And he left me and Larry

A faded post-it on the wall.

Help me, information,

2 for 6 is kind of sad.

Even Larry knows this,

And that boy, he can’t add.

Bill’s home is on the south side,

High up on the ridge.

But Bill, he can’t see west of

That Mississippi bridge.

The playoff’s only six years old

Information, please

Help me find Billy H.

And score that big trophy.

(To the tune of “Memphis” by Chuck Berry and Johnny Rivers)

“Billy Bob Hancock,” Executive Director of the CFP.

Hey y’all, welcome to Billy Bob’s 2020 pre-season College Football Playoff (CFB) conference call. All 130 of y’all, come on in now, make yourself right at home — or at least, at home on the phone.

(What’s that, Billy Bob? Cool it with the down home stuff? Rule no. 1: If you want to baffle them with some kind of BS, boss man, fine with this boy. I know where my grits are buttered.)

Alrighty then, I’d like to thank all 130 of y’all contending for the 2020 big trophy for checking in.

Now, all of you from the AAC, CUSA, MAC, Mountain West and Sunbelt conferences, please hang up and enjoy them fruit baskets. One of you boys will get a golden ticket to a meaningless bowl game, which is nice. Final Four spot? That’s a row you boys ain’t ever goin’ to hoe. Y’all have a nice day now, hear?

(Wow, Billy, the connection just got a heck of a lot better. But it’s still hard to hear them Big 12 and Pac-12 boys callin’ in from the 1 and 6. What’s that — fake it? You got it, boss man.)

Who’s that? Lincoln Riley calling from Norman. That you, man?

(How about that, Billy? Good old 0-4 is checking in.

Be polite, you say? Lincoln, later rather than sooner, will recover from the recent visit to the ATL. But don’t rub it in? You got it, Billy.)

Ok, now I hear you, Lincoln.

What’s that, Lincoln? Something about nine conference games instead of eight? True champion? Wofford, West Carolina, The Citadel, Samford and The Little Sisters of the Poor?

What you got against givin’ the little ones a check? And them ain’t layup games, Lincoln. Ask Saint Nick. Sometin’ ’bout offal through a goose? Them boys at The Citadel — a moment of silence for Stonewall, please.

Here’s an idea for you, Lincoln. How ’bout you swallow the hors d’oeuvres and then you get a shot at the meat?

Sorry, Lincoln, I gotta run, son. See you in 2020. And Linc, that 0-5 wavin’ wheat still gotta smell some kind of sweet, even when — again — you don’t get off the plains.

(What’s that Billy — harsh? Jus’ you wait for the next caller.)

Billy, it’s Tom Herman calling in from Austin.

Texas coach, Tom Herman

Yeah, I can hear ya now, Herman. The connection, well, it’s back! By the way, Herm, that Sugar Bowl win against them hairy Dawgs: you know they mailed it in, right? Ask Baylor.

But I do have to hand it to Bevo: he made UGA run for cover, and without Saint Nicky pullin’ on the reins.

But until you find another Young’en? Well, best of luck next season in Red Stick.

What’s dat? You got Slingin’ Sammy, and Joe’s headed back to Ohio? Brady and Aranda also left town?

That little ol’ UGA dog is one thing, Hermie. But Bevo, tryin’ to tame a Tigah?  I think that’s all hat and no cattle, Hermie.

Show a little respect? You got it Herman. You just gotta get those Okies out of your way. How about y’all get that Arkansas boy, Jerry Jones, to make ole Linc an offer he can’t refuse?

What’s that? Been there, tried that?

Well, don’t you worry, Herm. Billy and me, we’ll keep the light on for y’all.

(Yeah, yeah Billy, I’ll tone it down.)

Holy smokes, Billy. It’s Clay Helton, calling all the way from LA.

Sorry, Clay. Can’t hear you, brother. But sleep tight. One more year out there in the great college football beyond and you can come back south, brother.

What’s that? The 55th ranked recruiting class?

Billy, I totally lost the South Central connection. Maybe they got the power turned off?

Wait a minute, Billy. I do have a faint signal coming in from Eugene.

(No, Billy, it’s not the ESPN Eugene who polishes your teeth and keeps that smile right on a comin’ with toothpicks and super glue.)

That Nike guy is still one heck of a messenger, Bill. He must have helped with the connection cause we got another southern boy, Mario Cristobal, on the line. And he is coming in loud and clear.

“Southern Boy” Mario Cristobal

Cris, first off I gotta say: Man, poaching a guy from just down Saint Nick’s street? Way to go. Of course, you know that ‘Bama did gobble up that stud California QB who was going to play for Clay. And Dabo didn’t leave you alone, either.

What’s that, doing the best with what you have while having to carry, Larry?

He ain’t heavy? He’s your boulder?

As a good old southern boy once upon a time opined, I feel your pain, Cris. For that little old conference, you are one hell of a recruiter.

Let’s see here, Cris. Let me check. A seat reserved at the 2020 playoff table?

Holy hoppin’ grits, son. Who in the Hades is managing your schedule? Ohio State? (By the way, Mario, you do know that Columbus ain’t too far north of the Mason-Dixon, right?) I know y’all  already got that silly ninth conference game, so why not Duke, New Mexico State and West Carolina?

What are y’all trying to prove? You can win a big game in September? That doesn’t matter anymore.

Jon Joseph
Georgetown, TXTop Photo by Craig Strobeck


Andrew Mueller, the Volunteer Editor for this article, works in digital marketing in Chicago, Illinois.


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