Tomorrow is Selection Sunday for the NCAA Tournament. It is a chance for fans of good teams to celebrate their success … and pray to Sweet Baby Jesus that their team avoids being an eight or nine seed in Kentucky’s region.
“Dear Lord, since you can’t have us play Oregon State again, how about Virginia or Duke? Just not Kentucky. God Bless Mommy and Daddy and that funny guy on FishDuck.com. Amen.
But for the national college basketball pundits, it is one more chance to show their expertise on ESPN and CBS.
“Yes, Jim. I was invited to talk hoops and promote my new line of hair products, ‘Melcream.'”
Jim Nantz: “Hello, I’m Jim Nantz. Alongside is Jay Bilas, Dick Vitale, Gus Johnson, Holly Rowe, Bill Raftery and … Mel Kiper?”
Hidden camera look at Mel Kiper first thing in the morning.
Mel: “Yes, Jim. I was invited to talk hoops and promote my new line of hair products, ‘Melcream.'”
Jim: “Good to have y–”
Dick: “When you’re talking about hair, I don’t have any, HAHAHA! But seriously, you have to look at Quinnipiac and BYU as teams that could surprise.”
Dick Vitale’s “Dancing With the Stars” audition tape.
Bill: “Quinnipiac my eye, Vitale. They’re terrible! They don’t play mantoman!”
Bill Raftery explaining his gift for announcing college basketball through closed eyes.
Dick: “OH NO NOOOOOO BAYBEEEE! THEY HAVE EMANUEL BINYAM AND ZAID HEARST. THEY’RE AWESOME BAYBEEE!”
Jay: “Shut your hole, Dick. No one likes you.”
Holly: “I like Dick.”
Jay Bilas’ audition tape for the role of Cranky, in ESPN’s 30 for 30, “The Seven Dwarves Call a Basketball Game.”
Mel: ”I like Dick too. His name is almost Vitalis. Speaking of hair … ”
Jay (Interrupting Mel): ”Holly, get off your chair, quick!”
(Holly stands up, with a questioning look on her face.)
Jay: “See! It’s an empty chair, and Luke Ridnour isn’t guarding it!”
All: “Shut up, Jay!”
Dick: “Let’s get back to the brackets. When you’re talking about an Oregon team, you’re talking about Slim Wintermute … ”
(Jim Nantz puts a pill in Dick’s mouth.)
Jim: “There you go, old timer. All better. Now, who’s hungry for a croissant?”
Bill: “Speaking of French pastry, I think someone farted.”
Gus: “Rise and fire!”
Jim: “We need to get serious. Who wants to give us their prediction for who cuts down the nets?”
Jay: “Someone from the ACC, because they’re all nine feet tall with Golden Orbs where mortals have heads.”
ACC basketball in the fevered dreams of Jay Bilas.
Holly: “Indiana, because that’s where Dick Van Arsdale played. Or Wisconsin. Dick Bennett used to coach there. Or Arizona. They were really good under Dick Tomey.”
(Everyone moves their chairs a little further away from Holly.)
Jim: “Thank you, Holly. Anyone else?”
Dick: (Mumbling) “The Dookies cut down the nets … baybee.”
Gus: “I AGREE! DOOKIE IS WHERE IT’S AT BECAUSE THE TIDE IS BEGINNING TO TURN! PUT THE GOLDEN SLIPPER ON DUKE!”
ALL: “SHUT UP, GUS!”
Top photo by presidiosports.com
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Kim Hastings is a 1984 graduate of Northwest Christian College. He cut his journalistic teeth as sports editor of a paper in his home town of Fortuna, CA, and, later as a columnist for the Longview Daily News in Longview, WA.
He saw his first Oregon game in 1977 and never missed a home game from 1981 until a bout with pneumonia cut his streak short in 1997. He was one of the proud 3200 on a bitterly cold night in Shreveport, Louisiana in 1989 for the Independence Bowl, and continues to be big supporter of Oregon sports. He is an active participant on the various Oregon Ducks messageboards as “TacomaDuck.”