SEC (Southeastern Chickens) Renounce Roosting in Autzen

Jon Joseph Editorials

May rabies ravage the Dawgs and anthrax annihilate the Aggies!

It’s not as if Oregon‘s Athletic Directors haven’t made a valiant effort. The Ducks once had home engagements scheduled with the Georgia Bull Dogs and the Texas A&M Aggies, only to be left at the altar by that castrated, chicken whip, canine University of Georgia, as well as being dumped by the Texas Avoiders and Morons.

(Why do A&M graduates hang their diplomas from the rear view mirror? To justify the handicapped parking spot.)

No wonder the Dawgs have no desire to trip west. When the canines last crossed the Mississippi River to play ball, University of Colorado Boulder‘s Ralphie ate all of UGA’s kibbles and then consumed the bulldog’s Rocky Mountain oysters for dessert. But unlike the unctuous Aggies, at least UGA returned the ring to Puddles early enough for Oregon’s matchmakers to go after a reasonably hot replacement date: Mike Riley‘s Cornhuskers.

The rehearsal dinner was over, the church was packed and “Here Comes the Bride” was playing when Texas A&M slithered away and under the rock that Johnny Football crawled out from. This late “screw you” from the perpetual Big 12 and SEC underachiever means that instead of playing the SEC’s A&M in Autzen, the Ducks on September 16, 2017, will play at Mountain West, also ran Wyoming. No offense to the Cowboys, but the school with the third most wins in college football over the last decade should not be playing a lightweight on the undercard in front of 30,000 or fewer fans in Cheyenne.

Wyoming preparing to play Oregon 2014.

Wyoming preparing to play Oregon in 2014.

And first in line to ding the Ducks’ weak 2017 scheduling will, of course, be the fans of southern fried football.

(What are the four best years of a Texas A&M student’s life? Third grade.)

On September 3, 2016, Alabama plays University of Southern California in a one-off “neutral site” game in Irving, Texas. (Why are these neutral site games never played in San Diego?) On the same date, University of California, Los Angeles plays the Aggies in College Station. LA Pac-12 teams work for the hick southern boys, but not the back woods of Oregon? I’ve been to Tuscaloosa and College Station. But for the bar-be-cue, I’ll take Eugene hands down.

(Why is ice no longer available at A&M games? The guy who had the recipe left town.)

Thus Endeth the Rant!

But it does get me thinking: What college teams would Ducks fans most like to play home and home? Below are the teams I would like to see. What, dear readers, are your thoughts?

Florida – Before flying west, Gator players will need a tutorial on: “How to Fasten the Seat Belt and Raise the Tray Table.” Florida last left the Sunshine State for an out-of-conference game when it played and lost at Syracuse in 1991. If weenie scheduling counts, then Jeremy Foley is indeed a great AD.

Baylor – In order not to be blinded by the light, shades will be required to watch the Neon Nike’s battle in Autzen and besides the Brazos. First to 75 wins?

Clemson Tigers charging down the hill.

Clemson Tigers charging down the hill.

Clemson – Having already spanked “The Other ACC Team” in the Rose Bowl, it would be fun to see if the Ducks could hold that Tiger in Death Valley and in Eugene. (If the ACC Champ goes undefeated in 2016, makes the Playoff without a loss for the third year running and does not win it all, should the ACC be sent to its room in 2017?)

Notre Dame – How sweet would it be to hear “Cheer, Cheer for Old Notre Dame” break out in Autzen? How sweet would it be to play at the home of Rockne, Leahy, Ara, the Gipper, Lujack, Hornung and Hart?

The Rodney Dangerfield No Respect Series.

The above mentioned anal sphincters — Georgia and Texas A&M.

The Revenge Tour — Payback is a Witch!

Texas Christian University – Anyone else want to get horny with the Frogs when the Ducks’ starting QB and center are on deck for a full four quarters? Hard to win when your snapper and pitcher are on the bench. Remember the Alamo!

Louisiana State University – Make no mistake! Playing at night in front of Mike the Tiger, the ghost of Huey Long and a bunch of well lubricated crazy Cajuns yelling “Tiger Bait!” is, short of playing the Seahawks, about as tough as it gets. But these Tigers, on the rare occasions LSU has tripped west, are not as ferocious as when balling in Red Stick’s Death Valley. Nevertheless, LSU has not dropped a game to a Pac-12 team in many a moon. It would be great to have a chance at payback in Autzen.


Mr. Cheese Whiz himself.

AuburnMichael Dyer‘s knee was down, Cam Newton being eligible was a scam, Mr. (un) Fairley should have been tossed, and the Chipper stubbornly stayed with the run game against an immovable object instead of airing it out. Frustrating to lose to the likes of cheese d—, err, Chizik. Still waiting for Mr. Cheese Whiz to congratulate Oregon on playing a good game? Kind of like waiting for Godot.

However, Ducks fans, in the case of these Tigers, payback is at hand! On August 31, 2019, in Jerry’s Palace the Ducks will have their chance at revenge. I hate these one off games played at a so-called “neutral site” in SEC territory, but when it comes to the SEC we need to take what we can get.

Ohio State University – It is a cold comfort that five Buckeye players who beat down the Ducks in the inaugural Playoff Champ game were taken in the first round of the 2016 NFL Draft. Pope Urban Meyer certainly assembled and continues to assemble quite the College of Cardinals in Columbus.

The Ducks, currently 0-10 against Ohio State on the gridiron, will have the opportunity to end the Buckeye bashings on September 12, 2020, in Autzen and on September 11, 2021, at the Shoe.

Be careful of what you wish for?

The Holy Grail – No comment necessary.

Alabama – Come on St. Nick Saban — give the Ducks the gift of a home and home series. The entire nation wants to see if Oregon can overcome the tumbling Tide.

Readers, what are your thoughts on games you’d like to see?

Top Photo by Kevin Cline

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