The Big Ten is Getting Ready for USC and UCLA

Alan Lohner Humor

So they’re scumbagging their way to the Big Ten–those two toxic Angelenos, the University of Scuzzy Criminals and the University of Continuously Losing Again. Never mind that 6-0 record, UCLA is an overrated gang of losers. The question before us is: what are those raunchy schools off to?

Yes, we know where the Big Ten schools are–and it’s some pretty unremarkable real estate, like Piscataway, Iowa City, and Lincoln. And West Lafayette, East Lansing, and Champagne-Urbana. Had enough?

I hear a dissenting voice crying out, “What about Ann Arbor? Isn’t that a nice, little college town?” Ann Arbor is a toilet without a flush handle. I dare you to go on Expedia and book a getaway there. I double dare you. Emma Kern, an editor for “The Michigan Daily,” wrote several Aprils ago, “Ann Arbor is cold, and it will not be sympathetic to you.” That’s some Pultizer-style journalism there.

No one will ever mistake Ann Arbor nightlife for Honolulu’s.

Losers, Losers Everywhere

If the where of the Big Ten is nowhere, the what of this woebegone conference is worse. Since 2000, Indiana has posted 19 losing seasons; Illinois, 18; Rutgers, 14; Maryland, 13; Purdue, 12: Minnesota, 10; and Northwestern, 10. Nebraska has recorded six losing seasons over the last seven. I’ve seen better figures at a fat farm.

And if you think Iowa and Wisconsin are good football teams, I challenge you to flop down in your favorite chair and watch these two excruciatingly dull squads play each other. If you’d rather have a draft horse kick you in the testes, I totally understand.

What Does This Leave Us With?

Frankly, not much. We have the deranged maniacs at Ohio State, the eternal Paterno-stench of Penn State, and Michigan and Michigan State from the dual stink pots of Ann Arbor and East Lansing. For all of this, USC and UCLA stuck a stiletto in the kidneys of their long-time Pac-12 conference mates, viciously in the dark–the equivalent of decuple attempted homicide.

That’s another way of saying that the Trojans and Bruins tried to kill off 10 other programs. If there is justice among the football gods, the comeuppance for USC and UCLA will be swift, severe, and many centuries long. I am hoping against hope that these asylums from L.A. will have to play crappy schools like Rutgers, Illinois, and Indiana. Oh wait. They will have to play crappy schools like Rutgers, Illinois, and Indiana. Hallelujah.

But that’s getting off too easy. Once those dirtbags from USC and UCLA are firmly in bed with the Big Ten, the left-behind Pac-12 schools should commit to not playing any sport with them. Isn’t that petty and petulant, though, like a 10-year-old taking his ball and going home? I guess that’s true. It is a very immature and childish thing to say. So let’s do it. Make the pariahs pay a steep price for their treachery.

USC’s application to the Big Ten was approved quickly.

The Brainless Bozos from Beyond the Rockies

Most of the country lives on the other side of the Continental Divide, in that nether region that we call Back East. Most of those Elmers and Ethels back there have never visited the West Coast, and many of those provincial putzes really believe that Conestoga wagons are still rolling toward the Pacific and that we have to fight bears in the woods for our food.

East Coast bias is as real as USC degeneracy, and so there are millions of ignoramuses bashing the Pac-12, making idiotic assumptions about teams that they’ve never, ever seen in person and never watch on TV, because they whine and cry about the Pacific Time Zone being inconvenient for them. What a bunch of wusses.

The Kardashians vs. the Clampetts

We can’t wait for the culture clash between the Chardonnay-sipping prima donnas from California and the scruffy posse from pig-derivatives country. Imagine the horror on the botoxed faces of those Gucci-clad USC fans in October 2024, when they roll into Iowa City, whose number-one tourist activity is looking for fossils in petrified mud. That’s not a Chevy Chase joke from “National Lampoon’s Vacation.” But it is a joke, and all too real. Hey! Suppose Iowa gets an early snow, or better yet a blizzard. Does Louis Vuitton make snowshoes and Siberian parkas?

And come along dopey UCLA fan, get your nose out of Trojan butt for a day, and take a long, bumpy flight to tedious Nebraska, where the corn stretches literally hundreds of miles in all directions, and an ant hill qualifies as a geologic wonder. You’ll go half insane, sandwiched among 90,000 hayseeds at Lincoln’s Cornhusker Playground, and after subjecting yourself to predictably dreary Big Ten football, you can bore yourself to the point of full insanity at the International Quilt Museum.

Skyscrapers outside Lincoln will be a thrilling sight for Californians.

Two Eggheads are Worse Than None

Right after committing fratricide against the 10 other Pac-12 schools, UCLA Chancellor Gene D. Block, better known as Gene da Blockhead, vapidly stated, “UCLA has deeply valued our membership in the Pac-12.” If that was true, why would UCLA leave? Only one reason: because it is a falsehood as big as the hole in Block’s cranium. He of course is cut from the same slimy cloth as fellow shiv-wielder USC President Carol Folt. The two empty suits could go out on tour and call their act, “Liar, Liar.”

What da Blockhead was really saying is, “The Pac-12 is worthless.” How ironic. Because the UCLA football program is the very epitome of the word “worthless.” The last time that UCLA won a Rose Bowl was in 1986, the year that Chernobyl exploded. The Soviets were probably so shocked by UCLA winning a meaningful game that they scrambled all of the nuclear dials in Reactor Number 4.

Who knew that UCLA might have caused the Chernobyl disaster?

We Couldn’t Resist Another Dig at Poor Mario

Although UCLA is currently 6-0, they have always been as soft as a Mario Cristobal alibi. The only excuse that Cristobal hasn’t spouted is that a dog ate his playbook, and we’re eagerly awaiting the press conference when he finally uses that one. Meanwhile, nobody cares about football in Westwood–they don’t even have a place to play there. They’ve hijacked and defiled the Rose Bowl for “home” games, 24 miles from campus, or more accurately, six hours away in L.A. traffic.

UCLA athletic director Martin Jarmont–we prefer “Jarmount” or “Jughead”–stated, “My focus first and foremost is our student-athletes.” Whenever we hear garbage like this, it’s good to revisit that brilliant sarcasm from savvy SEC pundit Paul Finebaum: “I’m just gratified that the leaders of college athletics care so much about the student-athletes and their mental well-being that they’re going to put softball players on a plane in California to go to Piscataway for a weekend series with Rutgers.”

Beware, Bruins. Take note, Trojans

The happy news is that Pac-12 Commissioner George Kliavkoff predicts that cross-country travel costs will bleed UCLA dry when they’re a Big Ten member. Finebaum points out that the sleazy USC-UCLA move is all about money, so it would serve the Bruins right to go broke. For USC, our fervent wish is that their so-called student-athletes get sick of the long, long, very long airplane rides to Minneapolis, State College, and Bloomington. We have two words for those future disgruntled Trojans: transfer portal.

And to all of you non-Ohio State Big Ten fans: congratulations in advance for getting your cabezas bashed in yet again by the Buckeyes and for your upcoming invitation to the Aamco Transmission Bowl against a six-loss Gatlinburg Tech. Continue to not watch the Pac-12 after dark and play your meaningless games in those depressing burgs in backwater America.

Whatever you do, strap in and strap on those military-issue gas masks. USC and UCLA will be coming to town.

Alan Lohner
Tigard, Oregon
Top photo by Ana Itonishvili

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