On the UW Dawg Pound website, they say that it will be hard for Husky fans to let go of their hate for Oregon this week. I’ve been pondering that slap in the face to us and Our Beloved Ducks, and maybe it is time to turn the other cheek–a misdirection, as we deliver a hard right cross to the Huskies’ midsection.
Sorry. Like Ellen Griswold said in “Vacation,” “We’re not really violent people.” But let me think again about those Husky fans hating us. You know, maybe it isn’t right to use the word “hate” in expressing our feelings toward the University of Washington, because “hate” is too mild of a word. It’s frustrating.
Etymologists (a fancy word for geeks in the word business) claim that the language is ever-evolving, and I sure hope they evolve something fast, because I want to use a new and more insulting phrase than “the Huskies make me want to puke my guts out.”
Throughout this article, I wish to maintain an air of uncivility. I don’t want anyone out there to extend an olive branch to those worthless wastrels up North unless it is laced with verbal arsenic. At any rate, I will try to keep the name-calling to a maximum. I don’t want any soft feelings.
Ted Bundy and “Softy” Mahler, Two Typical Huskies
If you’re a Husky who has brainlessly stumbled into this forum, please take it personally when I say that your university is an incubator for depravity, debauchery, and derangement. Let’s not ever forget that Ted Bundy was a Husky. If Ted had only attended a wonderful university like Oregon, filled with kind-hearted people like me, he might have earned a degree in Babylonian history, joined the Peace Corps, and right now he could be making mud bricks in Tajikistan or some other “stan” country in Central Asia.
Dave “Softy” Mahler, another lunatic Husky, is let out of the asylum periodically to foam at the mouth over the radio airwaves. Mahler once said that he would root for North Korea if they ever played the Ducks. Only a twisted mind could conjure something like that, but on second thought, I wouldn’t mind adding North Korea to the Pac-12 and sending the Huskies off to Pyongyang.
That 1991 National Championship Never Was
Let me repeat that for any dopey Husky fans still hanging around. The Huskies never won a national championship in 1991. They never won a natty prior to that; they’ve won none since. Add it all up and the number of Washington Husky football national championships is zero.
Oh, I know the Huskies claim that they went 12-0 in 1991 and won a split national championship with Miami. We’ve checked the facts and it turns out that those 12 victories should be vacated, because the Huskies program was dirtier than Pig Pen of “Peanuts” fame. It’s never too late for the dumdums in the NCAA to do the right thing, and make the official notification. If the word fairness has any legitimacy, the Huskies record is hereby amended to 0-0.
Hey, Husky fans, look on the bright side. That 0-0 record lets you still claim that you were undefeated, even though you cheated like Lance Armstrong in every single game and by rights, the record book should say: 1991 Washington Huskies, 0-12.
You Want Proof? Oh, Do We Have Proof
Let’s stroll back in time to the days of Don James, the Huskies coach who somehow earned the nickname “Mr. Clean,” which is hilarious and even less appropriate than calling O.J. Simpson “Mr. Model Ex-Husband.”
During the James regime, conference investigators found that Huskies boosters violated NCAA rules “dozens of times.” Translating this for you Husky Ph.D. candidates, “dozens” means “a lot.” James, a.k.a. Mr. Filth, responded to the allegations by quitting like a coward before the start of the 1993 season, and presumably hiding under his bed.
Stanford’s coach, the late Bill Walsh, the creator of the West Coast offense, and a man not given to nonsense, called Husky players “mercenaries” in an outlaw program. He charged James with not graduating two-thirds of his players and not preparing them for life after football. That’s pretty strong stuff, Husky fans, when a respected man like Bill Walsh calls your players degenerate, immoral, and an entitled bunch of young punks.
Ode to Billy Joe, “The Mercenary Quarterback”
Mr. Dirt, also known as Don James, had a quarterback even filthier than he was. That was hard to do, but James did it, and he gets credit for that among those who spend their time cheating at cards, cheating in business, and cheating on their wives.
That quarterback of the 1991 Huskies was Billy Joe Hobert, no relation to Billy Joe McAllister, who jumped off the Tallahatchee Bridge, no doubt depressed because he couldn’t throw a tight spiral and enroll at Washington, where he too could be a crooked, rotten cheat.
Hobert received a $50,000 “loan” from an Idaho businessman, which I didn’t know they had there, because the only things I’ve ever seen in Idaho are sagebrush and a potato museum. Anyway, as reported in the “Seattle Times,” “Hobert said he spent $50,000 on cars, guns, expensive stereo equipment, golf clubs, and wild weekends in which he lavished ‘hundreds of dollars’ on friends.” Have we mentioned that the Huskies are deceitful, dishonorable, and debased?
Senseless in Seattle
No self-respecting Husky fan would have anything to do with those 12 slimy wins from 1991, and we searched long and hard, combing through the muck and mire on the scummy streets of Seattle, and we could not find a single self-respecting person, let alone a self-respecting fan.
Many of those mindless people up there are barely literate–they spend half their lives waiting in line for double espressos–and they have no clue about Billy Jo Hobert, Don “Oily” James, and The Many, Many, Many, Many Sins of Husky Football. They do have purple hair, purple shoelaces, and purple teeth.
If I ever return up I-5 toward that sleazy city of Seattle, I’ll head into the woods instead, where I’m sure that it will be easier to find a self-respecting, sensible Sasquatch.
To Gloat or Not to Gloat?
From the time that we played Little League and Pop Warner, we were taught to show good sportsmanship, win or lose. Now that we’re mature grown-ups, we can reflect on those lessons learned when we were young, and toss them right out the window when it comes to ridiculing those demented, despicable, and delusional Washington Huskies.
Of course, we’re going to gloat about our total dominance over those contemptible canines. The Ducks have rubbed their beastly noses in the ground in 15 of the last 17 games.
Any Husky fans foolish enough to show up in Eugene this weekend will have “The Pick” shoved in their tormented faces on the gigundous viewing screen at Autzen. If you ever have the horrific misfortune of crossing paths with a living, breathing, smelly Husky fan, one sure way to get rid of him is to yell, “Kenny Wheaton is gonna score! Kenny Wheaton is gonna score!”
It works better than heaving garlic at a vampire.
100 Years of Payback is Coming
The Trojans are loathsome, the Bruins are pathetic, but the Huskies are the essence of soullessness, devoid of character, wholly lacking in discernment and common sense, and they need to be constantly treated like the pariahs that they are.
They also need to pay for what happened on October 8, 2016, when hapless Mark Helfrich allowed those scurvy rabies-carriers to slap us with 70 points on our home turf. It was worse than opening your house to a stray pack of dingoes and letting them eat your baby, piddle all over the floor, and slosh around in your bathwater.
Crushing the Huskies by 100 points will only bring momentary satisfaction. We need to humiliate those mangy dogs–not dawgs, but dogs–by multiple touchdowns this weekend, next year, and the next 99 years after that.
And No, We Haven’t Forgotten the 1949 Rose Bowl
Every so often, Duck fans need to be reminded why the Huskies can correctly be labeled “scumbags.” In 1948, Our Beloved Ducks ran the table in the Pacific Coast Conference, flattening all opponents for an undefeated 7-0 record. California, in fluky fashion, finished 6-0, and Oregon, with its better record, should have gone to the Rose Bowl.
Cal, being the sissy crybabies that they are–and after refusing to play the Ducks in a one-game challenge, begged the conference to have member schools cast ballots to decide the Rose Bowl berth. Oregon State voted for the Ducks. Washington State voted for the Ducks. Washington, announcing to all the world what vengeful, nasty lowlifes they are, voted for California. And that is why the Ducks did not play in Pasadena on January 1, 1949.
The great Norm Van Brocklin, Oregon’s star quarterback, who would go on to win two NFL championships and enshrinement in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, was denied a Rose Bowl. Who would do something like that? Only the Huskies–the horrible, heinous, hideous Huskies.
So, yes, I’m waiting for those sloth-like etymologists to come up with a new and better word for “hate.” Oh, please, please hurry.
And as far as “turning the other cheek” goes, I have a better idea. This weekend, when the Ducks kick the Huskies in one butt cheek, let’s give them one good, hard kick in the other.
Top picture by William Adams from Pixabay
Alan Lohner is a native of Toledo, Ohio, where he served as a police officer from 1976-1980, before he moved West, graduating with a master’s degree in journalism at the University of Oregon in 1981. He’s enjoyed a long, successful career as a writer and creative director in advertising and marketing communications.
Alan takes delight in writing satire and spoofs for Ducks fans. He’s also written two self-help books; one is a highly acclaimed guide for teens and young adults, available as a free PDF to any member of the FishDuck community. Send a request to Alan, via message, in the OBD forum. For professional writing inquiries, you can contact Alan at email@example.com
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