FLYOVER COUNTRY: Losing The Right Way

In these times of economic uncertainty and political discord, when one cannot even go shopping at a suburban mall or take in a movie without feeling the need to go armed, it is reassuring to know there is one constant to life in Oregon besides the rain — that the typical beavis fan is a loser. Not only are they losers, they are the most sore and bitter losers imaginable.

It struck me as odd that I would still feel the inspiration to write about beavis fan two weeks removed from the Ducks’ latest demolition of their team in the Civil War, but it is remarkable how petty they are and that bears examination. Five straight years of beatings, whether closely fought or one sided routs, have taken their toll on whatever pride “beavis nayshun” fans still possessed.

This Ridiculous Helmet Isn’t Nearly As Inflated As A beavis Fan’s Sense of Self-Worth

In reality, beavis fan has come full circle; you just have to have been around long enough to have seen it. For those newer Ducks fans that the beavis fan calls “bandwagon,” (even as they only filled their own stadium to one-third of capacity for their make-up date with Nicholls State), a little chronology might be in order.

In 1998, behind the efforts of the famous beavis slave, Kenny Simonton, the lunchpailers beat the Aloha Bowl bound Ducks 41-38 in OT. Despite finishing 5-6, the team was treated to a tractor pulled hayride and their AD put out a really unintentionally funny videotape titled, “We Own The State.” They were still mired in their NCAA record 28 consecutive losing seasons streak when they rented the state that year. The typical beavis fan was always a alternate reality fruitcake, but they were more charming and quaint back then.

1999 was really only notable for a raging fire of an RV in the Autzen Stadium parking lot during a relatively uninteresting 25-14 Ducks victory. Notably, we did not produce a “We Own The State” video, because it would be acknowledging what everyone already knew. However, beavis excitedly went on to play in the illustrious second ever Oahu Bowl, their first bowl in a generation. In their inimitable style, they lost the game and embarrassed the Pac-10. Oregon went on to beat Minnesota in the Sun Bowl.

2000 was the “turning point” that I mark as the start of full blown beavis envy of the Ducks program. Yes, they beat us in Corvallis that season but were still only co-Champions with us. Yes, they got a better bowl bid than we did. Yes, they beat the hell out of Notre Dame while we had earlier won a close one with Texas in the Holiday Bowl. What tells though was that despite putting on a second half performance as potent as I have ever seen in a bowl game, the on-air discussion was totally dominated by how thuggish and classless the beavis team was. This turn of events was of course loudly bantered around the respective fan sites and was really a harbinger of things to come.

That One Time Kenny Simonton Feigned Happiness

2001 was epically funny. If you will recall, both programs were featured on a famous Sports Illustrated cover. The magazine, foolishly in retrospect, had tagged beavis #1 in their preseason polls. More rational polls begged to differ and their sanguine view of beavis’ elite status was vindicated when the lunchpailers were completely dismantled by Fresneck State, 44-24. By Civil War time, beavis needed a victory to be bowl eligible, while the Ducks were in the top five nationally and bucking for a national title berth. We won the game in an icy rain storm 17-14, thanks to an “illegal block” that freed Keenan Howry for a game winning punt return for a TD and seal an outright Pac-10 Championship.

The next five years were a period of mediocrity for both squads that saw home field be the main determinant in who took the Civil War. It was in this period that some sort of “equivalency” arguments from beavis fans began popping up. Their program had never been able to sustain the height reached in 2000, but then again, we weren’t being world beaters either. The crowing that beavis had “caught up” was in full roar after they finally took a game at Autzen in 2007 while facing our fifth string quarterback in that star-crossed season.

In 2008, it finally looked like the beavises might make that elusive Rose Bowl with old and new

Do Dejected beavis Fans Dream of Electric Sheep?

again Mike Riley at the helm. They only needed to beat the Ducks in Corvallis to not have to depend on help from UCLA against USC. In what has to be one of the most epic home choke jobs in the history of college football with a major bowl berth on the line, the Ducks absolutely smashed beavis 65-38.  All talk of “equivalence” was squelched at the final whistle of that game.

In 2009, with the Rose Bowl on the line for both teams, the Ducks won a bruising contest at Autzen, 37-33, but only after “cheating” by inserting reinstated LaGarrette Blount into the line up. The dark thoughts of beavis, long suspecting Phil Knight of nefarious influence, of Mike Bellotti negatively recruiting against them, of Fred Meyer, the Oregonian, and every television station in the state all conspiring to keep beavis unpopular, finally crossed over into collective insanity.

Of course, then we had a spate of off field incidents which “proved” we were a rogue program, despite beavis’ own trouble staying out of jail. We had a nationally published hit piece against marijuana thrown against the program by beavis fans, even as one of their own players said weed was a problem in Corvallis too. Finally, we are being investigated by the NCAA, which will somehow prove Eugene is a den of iniquity, while proving that OS(U) is the lone light in the ever encroaching moral darkness of NCAA football, just never you mind their perpetual problems with alcohol and racism in the “family atmosphere” over there.

Then we won a national title berth on their home field in 2010. That was too much to bear and many an Auburn Tigers cap or shirt was ordered that same weekend. In 2011 we clinched the Rose Bowl on our turf. This year marks our fourth consecutive BCS bowl, a feat only dominant programs achieve.

It has been said that beavis fans, by and large, hate the Oregon Ducks more than they love their own football team. For the longest time, I resisted this notion because I viewed that the evidence for such a conclusion came entirely from the nutty online fans. In the Chip Kelly era things have turned in reality too. From people I formerly regarded as sane, though afflicted with beavis fever, just this year I have heard that Kelly teaches systemic cheating, that he condones and excuses personal fouls,  that he has influence over the Eugene PD and the Lane County DA, and that “Nike” makes “off the books” cash offers to recruits and/or promises future endorsement deals for signing with Oregon.

Then, of course we blew them out in the Civil War again. The victory wasn’t even minutes old before we had a tool blasting our program in a NSFW tirade. I won’t link it, but if you want to see it, go to YouTube and search for “No Natty.”

No Natty for us?

No self-respect for yourselves. Who blasts a team going to the Fiesta Bowl? Who plays up going to the Holiday Bowl in comparison?

I used to think this type of beavis fan was the exception, but I have been finding out he is the rule. These fruitcakes have become rancid and apparently fermented.



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Canard is what he is, a character. So lighten up.

  • You give up your moral superiority when you call them “bevis fans.” You’re saying, “I’m going to explain what is wrong with OSU fans with reasoned argument AND childish name calling.”

    I gave up my scorn for Beaver fans a few years ago and replaced it with pity. Think about it from their perspective. For 100 years or so, we were compatriots in mediocrity. Every so often, one of us would make it to a Rose Bowl, but other than that, we were basically the co-champions of the Toilet Bowl. Then we hit our highest heights at about the same time in 2000/2001. But since then, the best Beaver fans have to hope for is contending for the Pac title (a shared title prior to the Pac-12 and the North post Pac-12) once or twice every 10 years. Duck fans, on the other hand, now consider a non-championship BCS bowl as a let down. We left them behind and they’re bitter about it. I probably would be too.

    I now derive no joy from a Beavers’ 3-9 season. I root for them 11 weeks out of the year, just like my buddy Phil Knight. And, as such, I claim moral superiority over Beaver fans. That, in addition to rooting for a clearly better team, makes me happy.

  • geauxdux

    Be careful calling the kettle black. Most Beaver fans I’ve met were decent, friendly, normal people. I am a 30+ year Oregon fan (class of 82) and although I dearly love my Ducks, I have seen more than my share of embarrassing, band wagon, trash talking, drunken, stupid Duck fans than I care to admit. EVERY school has its share of idiot fans. But I gotta say that when I travelled to Norman, Knoxville, Starkville, Ann Arbor, Madison, and East Lansing to watch Oregon play on the road in the past 15 years, overall the treatment from opposing fans was mostly decent. 90% class, 10% trash. Let’s hope Oregon and Oregon State fans can uphold the same thing when fans visit Corvallis or Eugene.

  • warsawal

    I’m in agreement with both comments so far. When Duck fans stoop to using childish nicknames for our opponents it displays a lack of class and education. Nicknames and trash talking is not why I come to Fishduck…best leave that stuff to the message boards and the local watering holes.

  • Quite a stretch there buddy. But I do enjoy your prose. top notch as always. Maybe work in some Nietkzhke next time

  • fishduck

    It seems that we must post a disclaimer every time Kim or Canard offer an article of humor. We do like to have that variety on the site, even though I personally am one of those detestable types who does root for the Beavers, thus our victories over them have more meaning.

    It is not just Oregon State, but ALL the schools of the conference are excellent academic institutions with important research taking place every day that benefits us all. This is just sports, and having fun with it. (A good disclaimer?)

    We tell the Athletic Department at the University of Oregon, our advertisers, and all Duck fans that will stay positive on our beloved Ducks at this site. However the other teams, coaches and fans are fair game for such needling, and for me there are few pleasures in reading that match a cup of coffee and Canard’s skewing each time.

    Let’s have fun, as I’m sure our foes are doing the same with us.

    • hokieduck

      @ fishduck. It is Tuesday the 18th and I just got the emailed Fishduck link. I went on to find two articles creating consternation.

      Tjhe first was an article about the tragedy in Newtown. Many readers found it terminally offensive that Kim Hastings (using his own name and photo) wrote a piece about his anguish over the tragedy and injecting his opinion that the US was fast becoming a “wholly owned subsidiary of the NRA.” Not surprisingly this offended a great many people some of whom threatened to not come back.

      Your response was to call it wrong and that such a “political” article would be the “first and last” one of its type.

      I then pulled up this article by Canard (not the name his momma gave him and no photo). He proceeds to call the fans of OSU “Beavis (referring to, I imagine, and Butthead) fans. He called Ken Simonton, a great OSU alum and an African American kid of high character, a “famous beavis slave.” He also slandered OSU over and over in a highly offensive, totally unclassy, despicable way.

      Your response was to call it an “article of humor” deserving only a “disclaimer.”

      I think you need to stop and take a look at what you want this site to represent. It now gets attention occasionally from people/fans all over the country. Do we want to be known – as Oregon fans – because a highly UNhumorless post like Canard’s paints us all with a broad brush *especially* your website as classless, frankly racist in regard to the Simonton comment, and downright repugnant type of fan that Oregon already has somewhat of a reputation for?

      I like to trash talk and flick sh#t with the best of them. It is part of sports and part of the fun. But I do not find this kind of post at all that kind of sports banter. Just my opinion. For what it’s worth.

      BTW. GO BEAVS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kick some Texas Longhorn butt!!!!!!!!! Represent the great State of Oregon and the Pac12!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • fishduck

        Boy…we have a hard time pleasing everybody, and I’m getting weary answering to the demands. The slave reference? Please click on the link Canard provided….he was making fun of what Ken said he and all college athletes were…which is a separate discussion itself. Canard is not referring to Simonton in the way you think.

        I have read and laughed myself sick at what the writer has placed on message boards over many years, and felt that BECAUSE of all the serious stuff out there–we need some serious needling of our opponents and have some fun in the process. Like every writer on the site…I may not agree with everything written, but I like to have that variety of different approaches to Oregon Sports, and different types of articles such as interviews, Op-Ed, football analysis, and humor.

        I resent people twisting my words about Kim’s article; I did not say we should not mourn, hence I did not disagree with Joel’s column on Sunday. I did not disagree about whether he should have passion for his position, but for the fourth time….this is a damn sports site, and I’m not going into politics on it. You think this is a great time to discuss Gun Control? Great-go do it on the hundreds of political blogs out there.

        • hokieduck

          Wow. Merry Christmas.

          And I stand by my point that we (fans) are painted by the broad brush of commentary, much less articles posted on websites that are as you like to say, above the usual riff-raff.

          As a Duck fan, I don’t like that.